Strength in Numbers

I have so many thoughts running through my head for this post I can only hope to organize them properly so you may feel the same positive and powerful impact it’s made on me. This may be a powerful trigger to someone who has been hurt as a child.

Nature has so many lessons to teach us if we only take a moment to look around. As I was sitting on my lawn mower over the weekend mowing, I heard spirit speak to me and say “Look up.” When I looked up I stopped in my tracks. I saw not one, but two American Eagles flying overhead. The hair stood up on my entire body. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It’s rare enough, for me in Ohio, to even see one fly overhead but to see two? I was shocked.  As a shamanic practitioner, I knew in that moment, spirit was sending me a message. (I told my husband about them this morning, he said I probably witnessed a mated pair flying together.)

As I was mowing again later in the evening I heard something above my head in the sky. I looked up to see a hawk being mugged by two small birds. And I remember thinking very clearly “Oh look, it’s that time of year again.” These two little birds were screeching and mad as hell at the hawk. They were dive bombing the hawk to drive it away from their nest. The hawk was really struggling to get away. Fast forward to Monday morning on my drive to work down 75 South and I see the same thing again. Now I’m thinking, ok spirit, you’re clearly sending me a message, but I am not understanding. Help me out. (Picture my spirit guides smacking themselves in the forehead saying “This bitch here…”

I got home from work Monday night and I was talking to my husband asking him how his day was. He tells me “Boy the girls (our chickens) were giving the male duck hell today.” I asked him what he meant. He said “Three of the girls were going after him pecking at him as a warning.” And that’s when I *knew* my spirit guides were banging their heads against the wall screaming at me “OMG WOMAN WILL YOU PLEASE PICK UP OUR MESSAGES?”

OK I GOT IT! DOH! Huge light bulb. So many important things to get from this.

Hawks are the natural predator to the small birds on our property, both the wild life and the ones we are raising. Our chickens have us to protect and watch over them. We take certain precautions to ensure their safety day in and day out. What do the wild life birds have? They have each other. There is strength in numbers. I cannot stress this enough. They are not alone. One small bird alone is no threat to a hawk, however, let two and three of the small birds come after the hawk simultaneously and the single hawk must then move into fight or flight mode. More often than not, it will choose flight because it knows it cannot withstand the onslaught from more than one attacker. It wants to live to fight another day.

As children, when we are small if we do not have the proper protection from the adults who care for us, we are vulnerable and not able to defend ourselves. We are the perfect prey for the predator who can see from the bird’s eye view and know that no one is watching. We endure what we must so that we, too, may live to see another day. No one protected us in that moment. However, when we become adults, staying secluded becomes a choice. I am choosing to no longer stay secluded. I am no longer anyone’s prey. I am strong and there are strength in numbers. I am not the only person who endured hell as a child at the hands of an adult. It is time for us to stop secluding ourselves. I have been given clear messages it is my path to walk and talk and bring awareness to this crisis.

By using my voice and reaching out my hand emotionally, I am lending my support to another survivor. I am presenting the opportunity for the survivor to know they are not alone. Let me repeat this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Allow your voice to be heard, even if you’re only willing to talk to one other person. Like the small birds warning the hawk, come out of the shadows and hold my hand. Allow me to stand with you. Together we will show the world we are no longer victims in the victim mentality. We are here to make a difference and help someone else just like us.

Eagles and hawks have the bird’s eye view. They can see for miles clearly because they are not on the ground, stuck. Our pain, anguish and all emotional baggage can weigh us down like a broken wing. When we are broken, we are still prey. It’s a daily choice as an adult to stay broken. Today, decide, NO MORE. Say this with me outloud: “I am no longer willing to be broken. I am no longer willing to do this alone. I have support.”

A mated pair of Eagles represents life anew, the possibility of a beautiful new life coming into the universe. Birth, abundance, fertility. In this time of Beltane we have fertility, renewal of life with deer foaling, eggs hatching, goats birthing! It’s time to heal the broken wing. Share your baggage with a therapist, a friend or me. Write it down and allow the weight from that burden to flow from your shoulders to that piece of paper so you are no longer carrying it alone. Even weight on an airplane must be distributed properly for a plane to take off. So too must the bird carry its weight evenly. You are ready. You are ready to take small bites of the past, digest it and move on. You are ready to spread your wings and take flight, embracing the new life ahead of you.

Come fly with me. Be the Free Bird who has so many places to see, but does acknowledge they CAN change. We are free. We are love. We are light. Our shadows (past pain) are a part of us, but they are not the whole of us. We are a beautiful symbol of the yin and the yang. We embrace our light and our shadow and know they made us into the perfect human being we were meant to be.

May the Goddess and the God bless you with new life and abundance to allow you the freedom you so desire and deserve.

Peace and Blessed Be

Shelley

 

Profound Moments

The more I learned during my online reiki course, the more life started to make sense to me. There are no accidents in life, only synchronicities. I know this is a painful thing to think about especially if we’ve experienced something gutwrenchingly awful to our heart, mind and body.

I am of the opinion where time is not linear. Science has many debates going on about this, but here’s a quote I found which I truly love. Julian Balfour was quoted in Popular Science on September 18, 2012 stating the following: “The only evidence you have of last week is your memory. But memory comes from a stable structure of neurons in your brain now. The only evidence we have of the Earth’s past is rocks and fossils. But these are just stable structures in the form of an arrangement of minerals we examine in the present. The point is, all we have are these records and you only have them in this Now.” Keeping this in mind, your past, present and future are all happening right now. We can debate this until the cows come home, but this is what I believe.

During my online reiki lessons, I was taught how to do distance work using symbols and meditation practices. The teacher taught us not only could we send energy to someone else without touching them or being near them, we could also go back into our past and send love and healing to our past selves. BOOM! Mind completely blown. Anyone who takes a reiki course knows we are ALL taught this (again, this is why I don’t understand why online learning for reiki isn’t well revered. Kind of snobbish if you ask me, which you didn’t. However it’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.) I had already believed in time not being linear, but I was astounded at this revelation.

With my being the ever skeptic person, I figured I’d just give it a go and test it out. One night while I was lying in bed I couldn’t sleep. It was the perfect time to try this distance stuff out and at the least, maybe the meditation would put me to sleep. I went into meditation while lying horizontally on my bed. I sent myself to a place where I was happy. I visualized sending myself back into my past taking hops based on the happiest moments so I was in good place emotionally. I went backwards to the adoption of the youngest child, my marriage to this husband, the birth of my youngest biological child, birth of middle child and birth of oldest child. When I got to this point I realized just how damn young I was having a baby. I sent love to myself at all of these ages and finally I sent myself to the earliest memory I have of being molested.

It was very hard for me to stay in this meditation seeing how sad and broken I was as an 8 year old little girl. There was no happiness in my eyes and I could feel the loneliness all over again. As I stood next to her I asked her to look at me and she was very hesitant. I was taught to be seen and not heard. I spoke very softly and carefully to her letting her know I was the grown-up version of her. She didn’t want to believe me, but I assured her it was true. I had a very long talk with her and let her know that no matter what happens to her, she was loved and as an adult she’d be happy. I promised her we had a life now, we were married with beautiful children. I asked her if I was allowed to hug her and she agreed. I felt her body relax and then I felt relaxed. I thanked her for allowing me to hug her which is significant because abuse victims don’t always like being touched.

While hugging her, I sent her love and healing energy using my symbols. When I was done talking to her, I brought myself out of the meditation and proceeded to ugly cry.  You know the ugly cry, chest heaving, can’t talk, eyes swollen kind of cry. I had to get out of bed and go to the bathroom so I didn’t wake up my husband.  When the snuffling finally stopped and I could calm down I realized I was different. I felt different as if  someone gave a damn. It was in this moment I realized I had truly learned to love myself, literally. I loved the little girl who had been emotionally and physically abused. I loved the good and the bad about myself. This was probably one of the most profound moments of my life. I felt the love I had given myself at that age come forward into now.

All I have are Nows. All any of us have are the Nows. Tomorrow is not promised and you don’t want to live with regret. Love yourself  T O D A Y. Don’t wait for someone else to love you first because it’ll never happen. You have to love yourself in order to allow others to love you wholly.

I am grateful to the Divine Feminine for allowing me to find this path. The amount of emotional healing I’ve done since moment is huge. I am not the same person and I am proud of myself.

Blessed Be and Peace be with you

Shelley

Losing the Metaphysical Virginity

If you’re still following my blog, you know I’m a smart ass and I like to make people laugh. Life is so serious and the things I’m writing about are very serious. It doesn’t mean it has to be dry and boring.

Now, where did I leave off? Oh yes, the meditation thing. To me, meditation was something that those monks did and stuff those hippies from Yellow Springs do (I’m from Ohio and that’s hippy town out here). Normal people don’t do those things. Meditation is just sitting there quietly and I have no desire to sit quietly. The last time I sat and stayed quiet I was molested for three years so I’m all about talking. I will talk and talk to keep you at arm’s length away from me. If for some reason you can actually make it past my being obnoxious, then you stand a chance at seeing who I really am. But being quiet? Never got anything positive from that so how in the hell do you think that’s going to make me better?

As I type, I feel like I’m hitting the question mark key on the keyboard far more often than I’m hitting the period key. The good news is, your spirit guides want you to question. Why? Because they have answers if you’re only willing to listen. And how do I know? Because this was a guided meditation to meet one of my spirit guides.

I knew I couldn’t do the meditation at work because it’s just too stressful there. When I left work, I made sure to pack up my Kindle, my headphones and my binder with my study book. I knew I didn’t want to do it during the evening because I’d be too hyped up so I saved it for bedtime. I kept wondering a million things: what it was going to be like? Was I even going to be able to do it? All normal human ego crap too like “Is this really going to work?” or my favorite was “What if I do this meditation and she’s going to make me quack like a duck when I hear a certain sound?” I am not kidding you, this is the crap I thought. Paranoia! Not to mention I wondered if spirit guides even real? I mean come on… if I had spirit guides how in the hell did bad stuff keep happening to me? (There is an answer to this and I will get there one of these days in my posts.. it’s all heading to that.)

I finally sucked it up at bedtime and took my Kindle and headphones with me. My husband asked me what I was doing and I told him I had this stupid meditation I had to do as part of my Reiki training and I wanted to do it in bed in case I fell asleep. He just looked at me and went on about his business. I wish I could say I didn’t do weird stuff a lot and he was affected by this, but I can’t. He’s pretty nonplussed by stuff I do anymore. It’s now time and I get all settled into bed, put the headphones on and get the Kindle ready (no I’m not making any money from Amazon mentioning the Kindle, but I love my Kindle). I hit play on the guided meditation and I lay there and wait.

Music starts playing and it’s soft, calm music. It strikes me that I actually find this music pleasing (I’ll think about that later). She starts talking and she really does have a very soothing voice. She begins to guide me through the meditation. I realize, that I can actually visualize this. Um what? My inner voice says “Don’t over think this will ya? Just go with it.” Ok then… Go with it I will. It’s been 18 months, but I still remember the basic meditation. I visualized walking through a forest where it was quiet and calm. I could hear birds chirping, animals moving, crickets… wait. I’m hearing this? What in the … “You’re overthinking, just GO WITH IT.” Ok ok…

As I’m walking through this forest I can hear water running. I get to the edge of the forest and there’s a lake with a mountain in the background. The water’s edge has a row boat tied to a pole in the sand. I untie the boat and row myself over to the mountain. Now mind you, she’s guiding me through all of this. So far, I’m just visualizing what she’s telling me. I get to the mountain, get out of the boat, tie it up again and start walking up the mountain. A path presents itself and it winds all the way up the mountain. At the top of the path, there’s a house and something to sit on. I’m told to sit and wait for my spirit guide to come out. Now I’m on my own. I’m sitting there just waiting, twiddling my thumbs.

The next thing I know, here comes someone. I’m stunned. I almost don’t even know what to do. I wanted to wake myself up, but I was too damn curious at this point to see what was going to happen. The guide addressed me by my given name of Maria. It rattled me. I don’t allow people to call me Maria at this point because I don’t like it and I was brave enough to tell my guide so. My guide addressed this immediately and said I was given the name Maria for a reason and whether I was ready to embrace it yet, was up to me, but they would not be addressing me as anything other than Maria. I just nodded my head as the spirit guide said “Come walk with me.” We got up and walked around as they talked to me and imparted information to me. At this point it doesn’t occur to me I’m still in human form laying on a bed. I am fully and completely involved in this new reality of mine. We go on with the conversation until we were done. The spirit guide bid me adieu and went back into the building. Lisa’s voice came back on and it was time for me to go back the way I came.

I followed her steps to get back to my body. The sound track stopped. I took off my headphones. I sat up in bed. I had no idea what just happened, but it was real. It was as real to me as typing on this keyboard right now. What my spirit guide imparted to me made complete sense. I knew right then and there I wanted to do it again. I knew I had to do more meditation because there was more for me to learn. So much more.

In that moment I knew 1 + 1 no longer equaled 2. Logic went out the window and I was not afraid. For the first time in my life I knew I was onto something. Shit was changing for me and I was ready.

Blessed Be and Peace be with you
Shelley

BTW….

Rule #1 in the metaphysical world, never ever give details about your spirit guides, familiars, spirit animals, other realities, etc. You protect the identity of all of it. Why? Because there are people who exist which will use this information against you. When you are happy and living a good life, people get jealous and want what you have. Regardless of how hard you had to work to get it, they think there should be a shortcut. And whether you believe in spirit guides, meditation, witches or reiki I want you to hear me now, it all exists. Not only does it exist, but there is a white, black and grey side to all of it. You cannot have the good without the bad. Yin and Yang exists for a reason. Anyone who is working with black magic does not wish you happiness. If they get a hold of any of your spiritual information, it’s on like Donkey Kong. PROTECT YOURSELF. You can talk about the generic stuff like I did in this post, but never, ever share the true details with anyone. I made that mistake and I paid for it. Lesson learned.

Universal What? Get the F Outta Here.

Someone I know had this brilliant idea that it was time for me start learning more about the metaphysical side of things. You know because learning about essential oils and admitting there’s they work wasn’t enough to rock my boat. I guess this person figured my little canoe was already rocking to side to side, might as well just flip that bitch over and get soaked. None of this toe tapping the water to see if it feels right, oh no… PLOP. Into the water you go girl. Sink or swim.

I start hunting and pecking around to look up what Reiki means. If you go to reiki.org and look up the meaning this is what you’ll find “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” Pardon me, but W T F is life force energy? Are we talking about all of that hippy crap I’ve read about? Scoffed at? Laughed at my entire life? Why yes, yes we are.

A dictionary meaning was a little more along the lines of something I could potentially understand. I am a very logical person. 1 + 1 must ALWAYS equal 2. Period. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.  Here is what dictionary.com states “a healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel energy into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being.” It was still a bit more than I could handle, but hey, I’m trying to be open. I’m trying not to be closed-minded and open myself up to the possibility there must be something to all of this.

I decide that I’m going to be cheap about this. My poor husband has always just sat back and watched me dive into a million projects whole hog and supports me to the best of his ability. Sometimes he shakes his head at me and just watches me flail about. I didn’t want this to be just another “thing” I spent thousands of dollars on later abandon it all and apologize for spending so much money. He truly is a saint and I have no idea how he’s kept me all of these years. I think he loves our kids and just put up with me to keep them 🙂 Anyway, short story later, I find udemy.com and discover a program that’s super inexpensive and I do the Lisa Powers Reiki I, II and Master certification.

<standing on soapbox> If anyone has done in person classes and scoffs at the idea of the online stuff, I’m going to tell you right now to shut it. I won’t deny you likely had an amazing experience in person, but that doesn’t take away from what I experienced. No comparisons… you don’t get to steal my joy.<getting off soapbox>

I start taking the online class. I print everything out ahead of time, I three-hole punch it, I put it in a binder. I get my headphones so I can listen to this in my office at work during lunch and I get completely prepared. I am so 1-2-3 prepared it’s not even funny. I start the course and she’s talking about what Reiki is, the history and how it works. She’s talking about how energy emanates from the practitioners hands. All I can think of is how damn cold my hands are all of the time. Then during the course of learning, she teaches you how to feel the energy. Put your hands together, rub them back and forth as if you were warming them up because you’re cold. Now pull your hands about 1/2″ to an 1″ apart. What do you feel? For me, my hands were tingling and they got really warm. Clearly they only got warm because I rubbed them together right. I mean this energy thing is just some hokum someone came up with make money. Right?!?

Nope. This shit works people. The more I learned to work with Reiki the more I felt a huge difference. I can be as cold as anything, but the moment I start working with Reiki whether it’s on a client or on myself, I start getting warm and not just my hands. I have to keep my healing room fairly cool because I get so hot I wind up sweating so I have a warming pad on the massage table so my clients stay warm. I had never, ever felt anything like it. I tingle, noticeably.

The instructor teaches you how to meditate. Now, wait a minute. First you’re expecting me to believe in this energy crap and now you want me to meditate? Dude… there’s no taking it slow any longer. Suck it up buttercup.

How much can one person take? Apparently my spirit guides have a massive sense of humor.

To be continued…

Blessed Be and Peace be with you,
Shelley