Strength in Numbers

I have so many thoughts running through my head for this post I can only hope to organize them properly so you may feel the same positive and powerful impact it’s made on me. This may be a powerful trigger to someone who has been hurt as a child.

Nature has so many lessons to teach us if we only take a moment to look around. As I was sitting on my lawn mower over the weekend mowing, I heard spirit speak to me and say “Look up.” When I looked up I stopped in my tracks. I saw not one, but two American Eagles flying overhead. The hair stood up on my entire body. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It’s rare enough, for me in Ohio, to even see one fly overhead but to see two? I was shocked.  As a shamanic practitioner, I knew in that moment, spirit was sending me a message. (I told my husband about them this morning, he said I probably witnessed a mated pair flying together.)

As I was mowing again later in the evening I heard something above my head in the sky. I looked up to see a hawk being mugged by two small birds. And I remember thinking very clearly “Oh look, it’s that time of year again.” These two little birds were screeching and mad as hell at the hawk. They were dive bombing the hawk to drive it away from their nest. The hawk was really struggling to get away. Fast forward to Monday morning on my drive to work down 75 South and I see the same thing again. Now I’m thinking, ok spirit, you’re clearly sending me a message, but I am not understanding. Help me out. (Picture my spirit guides smacking themselves in the forehead saying “This bitch here…”

I got home from work Monday night and I was talking to my husband asking him how his day was. He tells me “Boy the girls (our chickens) were giving the male duck hell today.” I asked him what he meant. He said “Three of the girls were going after him pecking at him as a warning.” And that’s when I *knew* my spirit guides were banging their heads against the wall screaming at me “OMG WOMAN WILL YOU PLEASE PICK UP OUR MESSAGES?”

OK I GOT IT! DOH! Huge light bulb. So many important things to get from this.

Hawks are the natural predator to the small birds on our property, both the wild life and the ones we are raising. Our chickens have us to protect and watch over them. We take certain precautions to ensure their safety day in and day out. What do the wild life birds have? They have each other. There is strength in numbers. I cannot stress this enough. They are not alone. One small bird alone is no threat to a hawk, however, let two and three of the small birds come after the hawk simultaneously and the single hawk must then move into fight or flight mode. More often than not, it will choose flight because it knows it cannot withstand the onslaught from more than one attacker. It wants to live to fight another day.

As children, when we are small if we do not have the proper protection from the adults who care for us, we are vulnerable and not able to defend ourselves. We are the perfect prey for the predator who can see from the bird’s eye view and know that no one is watching. We endure what we must so that we, too, may live to see another day. No one protected us in that moment. However, when we become adults, staying secluded becomes a choice. I am choosing to no longer stay secluded. I am no longer anyone’s prey. I am strong and there are strength in numbers. I am not the only person who endured hell as a child at the hands of an adult. It is time for us to stop secluding ourselves. I have been given clear messages it is my path to walk and talk and bring awareness to this crisis.

By using my voice and reaching out my hand emotionally, I am lending my support to another survivor. I am presenting the opportunity for the survivor to know they are not alone. Let me repeat this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Allow your voice to be heard, even if you’re only willing to talk to one other person. Like the small birds warning the hawk, come out of the shadows and hold my hand. Allow me to stand with you. Together we will show the world we are no longer victims in the victim mentality. We are here to make a difference and help someone else just like us.

Eagles and hawks have the bird’s eye view. They can see for miles clearly because they are not on the ground, stuck. Our pain, anguish and all emotional baggage can weigh us down like a broken wing. When we are broken, we are still prey. It’s a daily choice as an adult to stay broken. Today, decide, NO MORE. Say this with me outloud: “I am no longer willing to be broken. I am no longer willing to do this alone. I have support.”

A mated pair of Eagles represents life anew, the possibility of a beautiful new life coming into the universe. Birth, abundance, fertility. In this time of Beltane we have fertility, renewal of life with deer foaling, eggs hatching, goats birthing! It’s time to heal the broken wing. Share your baggage with a therapist, a friend or me. Write it down and allow the weight from that burden to flow from your shoulders to that piece of paper so you are no longer carrying it alone. Even weight on an airplane must be distributed properly for a plane to take off. So too must the bird carry its weight evenly. You are ready. You are ready to take small bites of the past, digest it and move on. You are ready to spread your wings and take flight, embracing the new life ahead of you.

Come fly with me. Be the Free Bird who has so many places to see, but does acknowledge they CAN change. We are free. We are love. We are light. Our shadows (past pain) are a part of us, but they are not the whole of us. We are a beautiful symbol of the yin and the yang. We embrace our light and our shadow and know they made us into the perfect human being we were meant to be.

May the Goddess and the God bless you with new life and abundance to allow you the freedom you so desire and deserve.

Peace and Blessed Be

Shelley

 

Pointing the Finger

This entire blog is about my journey to healing my inner wounded child. I’ve had so many people ask me “How did you do it?” “How did you get off medication?” “How do you forgive?” Dude, there’s no easy answer. This is gut-wrenching shit. Painful, soul-bearing, admitting-you-actually-took-part-in-the-pain, howling while you cry shit. The most uncomplicated answer I can give you is simply this “Stop ignoring your pain. Feel it and move through it.” Only then can the healing begin.

Here’s where I think some people get confused. I’ve heard “I do feel it. I feel it every day.” That’s the issue. You’re stuck in the muck. Get out of it! Don’t allow it to control who you are. If you are feeling it every day, you aren’t dealing with it. You are wallowing in it. It’s very easy to slip into the victim mentality. We’ve been through hell. We are allowed to feel the pain, but we are not allowed to make that pain someone else’s problem. I did just that. I’ve hurt so many people.  I was stuck in the “It wasn’t my fault” mode. I did that point your finger thing. Have you heard this quote?

Remember, When You Point a Finger at Someone, There Are Three More Pointing Back at You – Unknown

Think about this… when you are telling someone “You did this to me.” Your first finger is pointed at them, but you ARE in fact pointing three fingers back at yourself. You are participating in the ongoing pain by carrying it. Every day when you wake up angry, you are choosing to pick up the pain, put it on your back and carry it as a reminder. Anger is like a thriving plant. It needs energy to grow and survive. When you pick it up, you are feeding it your energy. You are giving it a life force. What would happen if you woke up one and looked at the pain and said “I’m not picking you up today. You can stay right where you are.” The first day it may not diminish much because it’s been taken care of for so long it can go a few days without being fed. But … if you continue to tell it to stay where it is. You’ve dealt with it and you’re not going to carry it any longer. After a week of telling it to stay where it is, you notice the leaves are starting to turn brown. You get ready for your day and you realize you actually feel pretty good. You note this feels interesting, your shoulders are lighter and you have a little more pep in your step so you keep going. After another week of leaving it in the corner, more leaves are turning brown and you’re feeling better every day.

VISUALIZE THIS… follow me now… what if you sat down after a few weeks and sat in front of the brown, drying plant and said “I FORGIVE YOU.” GASP! Forgiveness. The ultimate plant killer. You forgive the pain and everything about it. Suddenly, your shoulders are no longer slouched. Your head has moved into the upright position and it’s like you are seeing for the first time. Why? Anger is no longer weighing you down. The life force you put into that anger is now being put back into taking care of yourself, learning to love yourself. You go on about your day and when you come home you notice something odd. The plant is no longer a plant, but ash. The ash is now going to be put back into the earth to transmute into beautiful plant food and feed the earth.

YOU did this. Your hard work has made this change. Is it easy? Fuck no. Is it worth it? A million times yes. Why? Because YOU are worth it. You deserve to stop carrying around the anger and the burden that you decided you needed to carry because it was either given to you or you just thought you should. Use the life force to feed yourself. Feed your inner happiness. Feed your passion for life.

I wish for you this or something better.

Peace and Blessed Be

Shelley

 

Lose the Expectations – Just go with it

When I had my distance attunement, I was very careful to plan it so I could be alone in my room where it was dark and I could relax. I was prepared for this powerful moment to swoop in and change everything. I was told it would take approximately 30 minutes and to just relax. I did exactly as I was told. The teacher let me know ahead of time I may feel nothing, I may feel tingles, I could see things, the possibilities were endless. I just *knew* I was going to feel something so powerful, I’d be able to leap up off the bed and start healing people energetically immediately.

Yeah, no. This is not what happened for me. I felt squat. I mean nada, zip, zilch, nothing. I was rather bummed out. I knew ahead of time it could happen that way, but I had set a different expectation for myself. I expected more and this is how spirit teaches us important lessons. We don’t have a right to expect anything, not even to be breathing in the next 5 minutes because we never know. Spirit knew what I expected and they also knew I was a work in progress. Have you ever seen that photo of the guardian angel whose head is on the desk because it’s worn out? I swear I think I’ve put my guardian angels through some shit and they just want to bang their heads against a wall. I am the person who must learn the hard way. Why? I don’t know, I wish I did. In hindsight I can always see they tried really hard to show me gentle signs, in the end, I wind up learning after I get hit upside the metaphorical head. Oy vey is right.

I walked away from the attunement pissed off. I thought, what a crock of crap. Nothing happened. I went outside, hopped on my lawnmower and started mowing the lawn. I was pretty cranky and started arguing with myself. I do this regularly. Sometimes I actually do it out loud and people look at me. I’ve always said “I talk to myself a lot. I’m the only who makes sense to me.” Little did I know at the time… it’s never been me. It’s always been a guardian angel the entire time. Sometimes different ones. But I have never been alone on this journey and neither are you.

If you’re actually reading this blog post, the one thing I cannot express enough to you is to lose the expectations. Everyone is different. My abilities have started developing relatively quickly for me but I’ve worked my ass off to get here. I have a long way to go, but it’s happening. I had to shed 47 years of previous religious beliefs, self-doubt and shame to get this far. When I started out on this journey, I didn’t believe I was worthy of a gift like this. (I know some people don’t like the word gift, but this is truly a gift to me.) Getting to the point where I believe I am worthy of this gift has been the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

In order to get this far, I had to wade through years of pain and let it all go. I still struggle with it some days. When you grow up hearing you’re too fat, too stupid and not good enough you actually believe it. When you’ve been molested as a child and told no one loves you and that’s why you’re an easy target, you believe it. It puts your inner vibration at such a low point, you emit this low vibration which in turn attracts other low vibration to you. You get stuck in a circle of the same things happening repeatedly because you just can’t see through the low vibration until something comes and shows you a new way. HOWEVER, you have to be open to it allowing the new way in.

It takes an inordinate amount of inner drive to come to the rationalization “I am worth it.” My light had shown so brightly when I was child that everyone wanted to put it out. It was intimidating to see someone who a child who was so smart and so capable they actually felt threatened. They wanted my light for themselves. Why? Something in their past took their light too. We repeat what we know. Being mad at them isn’t the answer. Forgiving them and moving on is. Their behavior dimmed who I was meant to be. I allowed the dogma of religion and wanting to fit in to dim it even further.

Still, through it all Spirit believed in me even when I couldn’t believe in myself. Spirit carried me on the beach in the moments I couldn’t carry myself. All those years I thought I was alone, that those were my footprints in the sand, but they were not. I was saved twice from suicide. I was ready to go, but Spirit knew it wasn’t time and stepped in. I have wandered through life bogged down by pain and other’s expectations and my light was dimmed.

NO MORE! I have claimed back my light. It shines bright in the hopes that I may be able to help someone else find their light. I will never give up again. I am worth it. YOU are worth it. If you are unable to help yourself, then I am here fighting for you and me both. Spirit is there for you even when you don’t realize it. I mean let’s face it, it’s not easy saying to people “I’m a medium who can speak to souls which have crossed over.” Even today there’s a stigma attached to it, especially to the word witch. I am not ashamed and I will not hide.

I am proud. I am light. I am love. I am worth it.

Peace and Blessed Be
Shelley

 

Universal What? Get the F Outta Here.

Someone I know had this brilliant idea that it was time for me start learning more about the metaphysical side of things. You know because learning about essential oils and admitting there’s they work wasn’t enough to rock my boat. I guess this person figured my little canoe was already rocking to side to side, might as well just flip that bitch over and get soaked. None of this toe tapping the water to see if it feels right, oh no… PLOP. Into the water you go girl. Sink or swim.

I start hunting and pecking around to look up what Reiki means. If you go to reiki.org and look up the meaning this is what you’ll find “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” Pardon me, but W T F is life force energy? Are we talking about all of that hippy crap I’ve read about? Scoffed at? Laughed at my entire life? Why yes, yes we are.

A dictionary meaning was a little more along the lines of something I could potentially understand. I am a very logical person. 1 + 1 must ALWAYS equal 2. Period. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.  Here is what dictionary.com states “a healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel energy into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being.” It was still a bit more than I could handle, but hey, I’m trying to be open. I’m trying not to be closed-minded and open myself up to the possibility there must be something to all of this.

I decide that I’m going to be cheap about this. My poor husband has always just sat back and watched me dive into a million projects whole hog and supports me to the best of his ability. Sometimes he shakes his head at me and just watches me flail about. I didn’t want this to be just another “thing” I spent thousands of dollars on later abandon it all and apologize for spending so much money. He truly is a saint and I have no idea how he’s kept me all of these years. I think he loves our kids and just put up with me to keep them 🙂 Anyway, short story later, I find udemy.com and discover a program that’s super inexpensive and I do the Lisa Powers Reiki I, II and Master certification.

<standing on soapbox> If anyone has done in person classes and scoffs at the idea of the online stuff, I’m going to tell you right now to shut it. I won’t deny you likely had an amazing experience in person, but that doesn’t take away from what I experienced. No comparisons… you don’t get to steal my joy.<getting off soapbox>

I start taking the online class. I print everything out ahead of time, I three-hole punch it, I put it in a binder. I get my headphones so I can listen to this in my office at work during lunch and I get completely prepared. I am so 1-2-3 prepared it’s not even funny. I start the course and she’s talking about what Reiki is, the history and how it works. She’s talking about how energy emanates from the practitioners hands. All I can think of is how damn cold my hands are all of the time. Then during the course of learning, she teaches you how to feel the energy. Put your hands together, rub them back and forth as if you were warming them up because you’re cold. Now pull your hands about 1/2″ to an 1″ apart. What do you feel? For me, my hands were tingling and they got really warm. Clearly they only got warm because I rubbed them together right. I mean this energy thing is just some hokum someone came up with make money. Right?!?

Nope. This shit works people. The more I learned to work with Reiki the more I felt a huge difference. I can be as cold as anything, but the moment I start working with Reiki whether it’s on a client or on myself, I start getting warm and not just my hands. I have to keep my healing room fairly cool because I get so hot I wind up sweating so I have a warming pad on the massage table so my clients stay warm. I had never, ever felt anything like it. I tingle, noticeably.

The instructor teaches you how to meditate. Now, wait a minute. First you’re expecting me to believe in this energy crap and now you want me to meditate? Dude… there’s no taking it slow any longer. Suck it up buttercup.

How much can one person take? Apparently my spirit guides have a massive sense of humor.

To be continued…

Blessed Be and Peace be with you,
Shelley

From Bitch to Witch in just 48 short years!

You too can change in just 48 years, seriously it shouldn’t have taken that long, but I’m a wee bit stubborn and I don’t really listen well.

I grew up going to the First Baptist Church of Fairborn where my Granny went for many, many years. My brothers and I were put on a church bus every Sunday morning for a long time. We would sing songs on the bus and I’d get to go to Sunday School. No parents were on the bus, but they did have some chaperones. (This was the 70’s afterall.) Every now and then I’d get lucky and actually see my Granny at church and that’s really why I was happy to go. I was baptized on January 15th, 1980 and I remember this day like it was yesterday. I wanted my Granny to beam with pride from the congregation. However, my beloved Papaw was too sick for her to leave the house so she stayed with him. I was 10 years old at the time and didn’t really understand what the commitment meant, but a whole lot of people kept saying they were proud of me. Getting positive attention at the age of 10 was something I really desired so I was happy these people were proud of me.

Shortly thereafter, my mom started dating a man who went to a church near Miamisburg. Now, I have tried like the dickens to remember the name of this church, but I cannot and it’s probably for the better to be honest with you. My mom and I started going to this church with him and his younger children who lived at home. My mom eventually got engaged to this man who was very active in his church at the time. We went every weekend, much to my chagrin. My mom would make me wear a dress (oh the horror LOL), but I agreed on one condition. I had to be able to wear my ball cap too. She gave in and allowed me to do this so I looked presentable. I never did understand why jeans and a t-shirt weren’t ok for Church. Did God love me less because I wasn’t wearing a dress? I was told not to ask such silly questions. I really did like this church because it was much smaller than the last one and the people were much friendlier to us. Everyone remembered my name and I enjoyed class. I even got to help carry candles for service and light them. Man I was special!

Things happen in relationships and my mom and this gentlemen broke off the engagement. The following week my mom and I showed up at the church. I was happy to be able to go, but a little sad because if he was there I wouldn’t be able to sit with him and his children. I loved him. My dad lived in Florida and I never got to see him. He stepped in as my dad and spent time with me. He also had children I loved very much just like my own siblings. Anyway, my mom and I showed up at church and I will never, ever forget this moment for as long as I live. The Reverend came outside with his pasty white skin and thinning dark hair with his robes on and met my mother and I on the church steps. He explained very politely to us it would be much appreciated if we would find another place of worship. It wasn’t appropriate for us to show up there after the break-up of the engagement as it would be too painful for the gentlemen and his family. My mom said she had no desire to find someplace else. The Reverend immediately changed his tone and was very clear. “You are no longer welcome here. Please leave now.” I was devastated.

I had lost another father figure, siblings and now a church. If this is what religion is about, you can have it. I was done. I was forever tainted about Christianity from the moment on. As I got older, I tried different churches. I felt like my skin crawled every time I walked into one. I didn’t mesh with their ideology. One thing became very clear to me, I was not comfortable with being called a Christian.

In my early 30’s, I started researching and found out about Judaism. I took classes with our oldest daughter to convert to Judaism. My husband was raised Jewish so he wasn’t required to take the class with us and the other children weren’t over 13 so they didn’t have to either. When class was done and we graduated, it was time to become official. My husband and I along with all 4 children made our appointments for the mikvah and took our vow to the Jewish culture. Girls went first, then the boys (you never do this together, ever.) We celebrated Jewish holidays, shabbat every Friday, my kids went to hebrew school, all of it. It felt better than Christianity did, but still not right. Eventually I gave all of that up too. It didn’t fit.

Lost. I felt lost. Something was missing. I was tired of religion. I figured I was just different and alone and I’d never find my place.

On and off over the years I’d heard about Pagans and I distinctly remember the Christian view on it. I was so pre-programmed about all of the bad things about being a Pagan, that I never got to learn what it means TO BE a Pagan. The meaning of paganism is very simple and absolutely nothing I was taught: Paganism is term first used in the fourth century by early Christianity for populations of the Roman Empire who practiced polytheism, either because they were increasingly rural and provincial relative to the Christian population or because they were not militates Christi (soldiers of Christ). It has evolved over the years to now mean simply this: polytheistic or pantheistic nature-worshipping religion. Pagans pray to and respect different deities of many different pantheons (including Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Ganesha, etc) and they worship nature. Pagans see the absolute beauty in nature. Everything has a spirit: trees, rocks, blades of grass, animals. If it’s in nature, it has a spirit.

I am a Pagan, specifically a shamanistic witch. There are so very many different types of paganism too. The list goes on and on so I was amazed at this! I had to figure out what type of pagan I was (however, I had a little extra help from a friend who clued me in).

I believe nature has many lessons it can teach us about life. There is a balance to everything. The hawk eats a mouse as a way of survival. The mouse has then learned it needs to become much more calculated in its way of thinking so it doesn’t get easily eaten. It finds ways to search for food so it doesn’t become prey. Hawk teaches us that by flying above and looking down we need to be able to see the whole picture before we make a decision. Just because that chicken looks good enough to eat, is it too heavy to carry? Are there predators nearby to watch out for? If you just sit peacefully in nature and watch, there’s so much more to learn. So many lessons which could benefit people on how to treat each other.

This is a religion which makes sense to me. It is absolutely not how I was raised, in fact I was raised to believe anyone who don’t worship Jesus Christ will go to hell. I do not believe that. I believe there is a place in the world for every religion. Everyone serves a purpose to keep the balance in life. You cannot have too much light or too much dark. Yin and Yang. This is the true balance of life.

We each carry light and dark in our hearts. It’s how you harness that energy which will separate you between good and evil.

This is a very short synapses of how I became pagan. I’m actually looking forward to writing about how I’ve healed my heart and moved on to some amazing things in my life.

Thank you for joining me.

Peace and Blessed Be.

 

It Takes a Village People… like it or not.

There is a saying that goes “It takes a village to raise a child.” There is a reason this saying exists. When life was much more simple and humans were more interested in other people rather than a damn phone, tablet or a TV, people looked out for each other. When a woman bore a child, the village women would help her. They would cook for her, help clean her home and help teach her how to raise that child. The entire village was invested in the well-being of the young which had been brought into the world. As the babe grew, neighbors would continue to help. Families helped to raise each others children. Families were large and often required more than just two people to handle it all.

Children were put to work fairly early even with school duties because farms needed tending to, logs needed split, animals needed fed. There wasn’t an enormous amount of free time for a child to sit around and dawdle. Now I’m not saying no one got in trouble, I’m just saying it gave them less time to get into trouble. Men worked outside the home and the females took care of the home. This came with its own set of issues because women weren’t always valued for the true blessings they were to a family. However, if a female was mistreated, often times other men of the village would step in and handle business. Just be patient with me, I’m getting to the point.

As a society, humans eventually started to not like other people butting into their business so they moved to other cities where no one would know who they were. Technology came along like electricity, phones and other modern conveniences. Women learned they could have less children. It became easier to move away from your support group.

If the village has dissipated, who helps the single mom of 3 children care for those children, work a full-time job outside the home, feed those children and make sure they have clothes and all of their necessities? You are now left with a stressed out mother who just wants a moments peace. Rather than her finding that moments peace, it exasperates her situation and she becomes more mentally agitated than she needs to be. Who suffers? EVERYONE SUFFERS. The mom suffers, the children suffer… it’s a no win situation, unless you can afford a Nanny and trust me, that ain’t the norm.

When does society finally decide to actually start caring about other people and helping out those families who are in distress? No one is saying you need to hand over thousands of dollars to someone, but if you see a person struggling, give them a hand. If you see a stressed out child, ask the parent is there anything you can do to lend a hand. BE THE CHANGE WE NEED TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Don’t be a fucking ostrich and bury your head and pretend it’ll all go away.

Hunger is here in the United States. We keep sending money to other countries. FEED US. FEED YOUR LOCAL CHILDREN. Do you not think the parents of hungry children are stressed out? It leads to physical abuse, mental abuse and so much more. If my mom’s parents hadn’t owned a farm, I truly don’t know how I would have eaten as a child. The majority of our food came from that farm and we worked for it. Snapped beans, shucked corn, dug potatoes. I swear that root cellar with the potatoes used to make me puke it stunk so bad. However, I am grateful it existed because it fed me.

I keep money in my car so when I see someone on the street with a sign asking for money, I have money to give. I used to be so judgmental and think “Oh you just want it for drugs.” As a recovering addict, I fight with my inner self on this. What did I decide? I decided, who the hell am I? Who am I to judge someone else? I am no one. Maybe that $5 I hand over is going to go for drugs, but maybe, just maybe they’re hungry and that $5 just bought them some warm food. Give it FREELY with NO EXPECTATIONS.

America expects. I call bullshit. Learn to love openly and unconditionally. If you are donating, it’s called a donation for reason. You gave it willingly. Your end of the deal is now complete. Walk away proud of yourself and pray that the receiver will do the right thing. You don’t get to decide what their karma should be. Mind your own karma.

I have debated many times if I want to continue to write this blog. I haven’t written anything in about 6 weeks. Sorting through how I feel about my childhood and my early adult life has been difficult for me. I have biological family members who have accused me of being selfish, pointing the finger at everyone but me, being egotistical and the list goes on. I let it deter me for a while because I felt I needed to examine my motive for writing this blog. Was it really to just point fingers at someone else and say “Look at what you did!” Or, did I start writing this blog because I was tired of putting my dirty laundry under the carpet which had become so lumpy, I couldn’t walk on the carpet anymore?

It’s none of those things. I started writing it because I give a shit about other people. I want other women and men to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That’s my message, that’s my reason. If my reasoning pisses you off and you want to yell at me, have at it. Perhaps you need to examine your own damn life and figure out why you’re getting so pissed off about what I wrote. Perhaps you have your own behavior to look at.

And so, here I am writing again. And it feels damn good.

The Truly Bad 4-Letter F-word

FEAR! This word to me is far worse than saying, reading or hearing the word fuck. I mean, seriously. Fear can stop you in your tracks. It can alter the course of your path for a minute, a day or a lifetime. Fear can stop you from taking chances which could propel you forward in life. Fear of the unknown can you keep in a stalemate. Fear of a spider? Can make you stop your car in traffic and jump out yelling like a crazy person. (Yes, I do know people who have done this.) Fear of the dark? You refuse to go into a dark basement until every light is on and even then you wonder what’s lurking in the shadows. Why do we do these things ourselves? Humans have a need to feel safe.

When we walk in safety, we are comfortable with life. We may not be happy, but we are comfortable because it’s what we know. We have a routine which we become accustomed to and we know what to expect. The flip side to this is, we also stunt ourselves emotionally within the confines of safety by not allowing ourselves to grow.

I thought I had a fear of writing about my life and the experiences I’ve had. I’ve met so many other women who’ve had similar experiences and when we share stories, I’ve shared with them I’ve always wanted to write about it so others like us would know they were not alone. They’ve all said to me “You should write about it. I’m too afraid to do it.” It’s always easier to be on the sidelines than on the field in your gear ready to take a hit. And to be honest, it wasn’t really the fear of writing we were worried about at all, but the fear of how our biological families would react to WHAT we were going write about. Yes most of the family members already knew the stories, but confronting them with it in black and white is a different story. How well was that going to go over? Not very well. I knew that going in. I am tired of standing on the sidelines. I’m geared up and ready.

I’m making a different choice now to confront my fear and with that choice comes a consequence. I am losing relationships with biological family members. I have exposed the things which we do not speak of. Did I expect this? Yes.  Is it a surprise? Nope, not in the least. Here’s the biggest question: Have these people loved and supported me no matter what my decisions have been my entire life? The biggest answer: No, they loved me as long as I did what they wanted me to do.

This is a huge epiphany for me. So huge it didn’t even occur to me until I was writing this and figured it out. I’ve said and done things my entire life that I didn’t agree with to make others happy so I would feel loved. This is an admission of guilt. I’ve said horrible things about people I truly loved because it made a biological family member happy. That was MY choice. No one forced me to do this. I allowed others opinions to become my own. I was the weak one. I now choose to stand in my truth and it takes strength, but it can also be physically very lonely. However, as I walk down this road I know I am not emotionally alone. I have spirit guides, guardian angels and family I’ve chosen who do love me for exactly who I am. I am no longer responsible for carrying someone else’s shitty pickles. I am standing with my head held high knowing that I made a different choice. I chose peace and happiness. I chose to claim in my responsibility and forgive myself so I can move forward and grow.

Here is my truth. I have been married four times to four different men. I have 4 children with 3 different men. One of those 3 men I wasn’t even married to. How’s that for airing some dirty laundry? I was very embarrassed about this for years. I’m not any longer. I have remorse for the trail of pain I left behind.

First marriage: 4 months beginning to end. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten married. I apologize to you husband #1. I knew it wasn’t right when we got married and I did it anyway. I accept my responsibility for not putting any effort whatsoever into the relationship and for being willing to walk away so easily.

Father of child #1 – I am sorry I lead you on after she was first born and allowed you to believe there would be a relationship because there was a child involved. I really and truly wanted her to be raised with biological father because I hadn’t been raised with mine. I know I hurt you and I apologize.

Second marriage: 8 months living together, 2+ years total on paper in marriage. There will never be enough words in the English language to tell you how deeply sorry I am for hurting you. I loved you the only way I knew how at the age of 20 & 21. It was far less than you deserved.

Third marriage and father of child #2 and #3 – I am sorry for the part my behavior played in our divorce. I could have been a much better wife and that wasn’t fair to you. I gave all of my love and attention to our children instead. I could have made more time to nurture our relationship.

Fourth marriage and father of child #4 – You’re my favorite asshat in the world. I’ve apologized to you for many things over the years. Marrying you, I will never be sorry for that. We have worked extremely hard at keeping our marriage together including living in two different states for 3 years and stage 4 throat cancer. I will be damned if I’m going to allow my human ego or my pride to wreck this one. I love you with a depth in which mere words could never express it appropriately.

To anyone reading this post if you made it this far:

When you feel alone in this world, please know you are not. With each blog post I write, I lose another friend or family member, but I also gain 2 friends who choose to become family. Family is everything to me. I will hold on tight and love you all til my dying breath.

Peace be with you as it is with me.