When I had my distance attunement, I was very careful to plan it so I could be alone in my room where it was dark and I could relax. I was prepared for this powerful moment to swoop in and change everything. I was told it would take approximately 30 minutes and to just relax. I did exactly as I was told. The teacher let me know ahead of time I may feel nothing, I may feel tingles, I could see things, the possibilities were endless. I just *knew* I was going to feel something so powerful, I’d be able to leap up off the bed and start healing people energetically immediately.
Yeah, no. This is not what happened for me. I felt squat. I mean nada, zip, zilch, nothing. I was rather bummed out. I knew ahead of time it could happen that way, but I had set a different expectation for myself. I expected more and this is how spirit teaches us important lessons. We don’t have a right to expect anything, not even to be breathing in the next 5 minutes because we never know. Spirit knew what I expected and they also knew I was a work in progress. Have you ever seen that photo of the guardian angel whose head is on the desk because it’s worn out? I swear I think I’ve put my guardian angels through some shit and they just want to bang their heads against a wall. I am the person who must learn the hard way. Why? I don’t know, I wish I did. In hindsight I can always see they tried really hard to show me gentle signs, in the end, I wind up learning after I get hit upside the metaphorical head. Oy vey is right.
I walked away from the attunement pissed off. I thought, what a crock of crap. Nothing happened. I went outside, hopped on my lawnmower and started mowing the lawn. I was pretty cranky and started arguing with myself. I do this regularly. Sometimes I actually do it out loud and people look at me. I’ve always said “I talk to myself a lot. I’m the only who makes sense to me.” Little did I know at the time… it’s never been me. It’s always been a guardian angel the entire time. Sometimes different ones. But I have never been alone on this journey and neither are you.
If you’re actually reading this blog post, the one thing I cannot express enough to you is to lose the expectations. Everyone is different. My abilities have started developing relatively quickly for me but I’ve worked my ass off to get here. I have a long way to go, but it’s happening. I had to shed 47 years of previous religious beliefs, self-doubt and shame to get this far. When I started out on this journey, I didn’t believe I was worthy of a gift like this. (I know some people don’t like the word gift, but this is truly a gift to me.) Getting to the point where I believe I am worthy of this gift has been the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.
In order to get this far, I had to wade through years of pain and let it all go. I still struggle with it some days. When you grow up hearing you’re too fat, too stupid and not good enough you actually believe it. When you’ve been molested as a child and told no one loves you and that’s why you’re an easy target, you believe it. It puts your inner vibration at such a low point, you emit this low vibration which in turn attracts other low vibration to you. You get stuck in a circle of the same things happening repeatedly because you just can’t see through the low vibration until something comes and shows you a new way. HOWEVER, you have to be open to it allowing the new way in.
It takes an inordinate amount of inner drive to come to the rationalization “I am worth it.” My light had shown so brightly when I was child that everyone wanted to put it out. It was intimidating to see someone who a child who was so smart and so capable they actually felt threatened. They wanted my light for themselves. Why? Something in their past took their light too. We repeat what we know. Being mad at them isn’t the answer. Forgiving them and moving on is. Their behavior dimmed who I was meant to be. I allowed the dogma of religion and wanting to fit in to dim it even further.
Still, through it all Spirit believed in me even when I couldn’t believe in myself. Spirit carried me on the beach in the moments I couldn’t carry myself. All those years I thought I was alone, that those were my footprints in the sand, but they were not. I was saved twice from suicide. I was ready to go, but Spirit knew it wasn’t time and stepped in. I have wandered through life bogged down by pain and other’s expectations and my light was dimmed.
NO MORE! I have claimed back my light. It shines bright in the hopes that I may be able to help someone else find their light. I will never give up again. I am worth it. YOU are worth it. If you are unable to help yourself, then I am here fighting for you and me both. Spirit is there for you even when you don’t realize it. I mean let’s face it, it’s not easy saying to people “I’m a medium who can speak to souls which have crossed over.” Even today there’s a stigma attached to it, especially to the word witch. I am not ashamed and I will not hide.
I am proud. I am light. I am love. I am worth it.
Peace and Blessed Be