Strength in Numbers

I have so many thoughts running through my head for this post I can only hope to organize them properly so you may feel the same positive and powerful impact it’s made on me. This may be a powerful trigger to someone who has been hurt as a child.

Nature has so many lessons to teach us if we only take a moment to look around. As I was sitting on my lawn mower over the weekend mowing, I heard spirit speak to me and say “Look up.” When I looked up I stopped in my tracks. I saw not one, but two American Eagles flying overhead. The hair stood up on my entire body. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. It’s rare enough, for me in Ohio, to even see one fly overhead but to see two? I was shocked.  As a shamanic practitioner, I knew in that moment, spirit was sending me a message. (I told my husband about them this morning, he said I probably witnessed a mated pair flying together.)

As I was mowing again later in the evening I heard something above my head in the sky. I looked up to see a hawk being mugged by two small birds. And I remember thinking very clearly “Oh look, it’s that time of year again.” These two little birds were screeching and mad as hell at the hawk. They were dive bombing the hawk to drive it away from their nest. The hawk was really struggling to get away. Fast forward to Monday morning on my drive to work down 75 South and I see the same thing again. Now I’m thinking, ok spirit, you’re clearly sending me a message, but I am not understanding. Help me out. (Picture my spirit guides smacking themselves in the forehead saying “This bitch here…”

I got home from work Monday night and I was talking to my husband asking him how his day was. He tells me “Boy the girls (our chickens) were giving the male duck hell today.” I asked him what he meant. He said “Three of the girls were going after him pecking at him as a warning.” And that’s when I *knew* my spirit guides were banging their heads against the wall screaming at me “OMG WOMAN WILL YOU PLEASE PICK UP OUR MESSAGES?”

OK I GOT IT! DOH! Huge light bulb. So many important things to get from this.

Hawks are the natural predator to the small birds on our property, both the wild life and the ones we are raising. Our chickens have us to protect and watch over them. We take certain precautions to ensure their safety day in and day out. What do the wild life birds have? They have each other. There is strength in numbers. I cannot stress this enough. They are not alone. One small bird alone is no threat to a hawk, however, let two and three of the small birds come after the hawk simultaneously and the single hawk must then move into fight or flight mode. More often than not, it will choose flight because it knows it cannot withstand the onslaught from more than one attacker. It wants to live to fight another day.

As children, when we are small if we do not have the proper protection from the adults who care for us, we are vulnerable and not able to defend ourselves. We are the perfect prey for the predator who can see from the bird’s eye view and know that no one is watching. We endure what we must so that we, too, may live to see another day. No one protected us in that moment. However, when we become adults, staying secluded becomes a choice. I am choosing to no longer stay secluded. I am no longer anyone’s prey. I am strong and there are strength in numbers. I am not the only person who endured hell as a child at the hands of an adult. It is time for us to stop secluding ourselves. I have been given clear messages it is my path to walk and talk and bring awareness to this crisis.

By using my voice and reaching out my hand emotionally, I am lending my support to another survivor. I am presenting the opportunity for the survivor to know they are not alone. Let me repeat this. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Allow your voice to be heard, even if you’re only willing to talk to one other person. Like the small birds warning the hawk, come out of the shadows and hold my hand. Allow me to stand with you. Together we will show the world we are no longer victims in the victim mentality. We are here to make a difference and help someone else just like us.

Eagles and hawks have the bird’s eye view. They can see for miles clearly because they are not on the ground, stuck. Our pain, anguish and all emotional baggage can weigh us down like a broken wing. When we are broken, we are still prey. It’s a daily choice as an adult to stay broken. Today, decide, NO MORE. Say this with me outloud: “I am no longer willing to be broken. I am no longer willing to do this alone. I have support.”

A mated pair of Eagles represents life anew, the possibility of a beautiful new life coming into the universe. Birth, abundance, fertility. In this time of Beltane we have fertility, renewal of life with deer foaling, eggs hatching, goats birthing! It’s time to heal the broken wing. Share your baggage with a therapist, a friend or me. Write it down and allow the weight from that burden to flow from your shoulders to that piece of paper so you are no longer carrying it alone. Even weight on an airplane must be distributed properly for a plane to take off. So too must the bird carry its weight evenly. You are ready. You are ready to take small bites of the past, digest it and move on. You are ready to spread your wings and take flight, embracing the new life ahead of you.

Come fly with me. Be the Free Bird who has so many places to see, but does acknowledge they CAN change. We are free. We are love. We are light. Our shadows (past pain) are a part of us, but they are not the whole of us. We are a beautiful symbol of the yin and the yang. We embrace our light and our shadow and know they made us into the perfect human being we were meant to be.

May the Goddess and the God bless you with new life and abundance to allow you the freedom you so desire and deserve.

Peace and Blessed Be

Shelley

 

Losing the Metaphysical Virginity

If you’re still following my blog, you know I’m a smart ass and I like to make people laugh. Life is so serious and the things I’m writing about are very serious. It doesn’t mean it has to be dry and boring.

Now, where did I leave off? Oh yes, the meditation thing. To me, meditation was something that those monks did and stuff those hippies from Yellow Springs do (I’m from Ohio and that’s hippy town out here). Normal people don’t do those things. Meditation is just sitting there quietly and I have no desire to sit quietly. The last time I sat and stayed quiet I was molested for three years so I’m all about talking. I will talk and talk to keep you at arm’s length away from me. If for some reason you can actually make it past my being obnoxious, then you stand a chance at seeing who I really am. But being quiet? Never got anything positive from that so how in the hell do you think that’s going to make me better?

As I type, I feel like I’m hitting the question mark key on the keyboard far more often than I’m hitting the period key. The good news is, your spirit guides want you to question. Why? Because they have answers if you’re only willing to listen. And how do I know? Because this was a guided meditation to meet one of my spirit guides.

I knew I couldn’t do the meditation at work because it’s just too stressful there. When I left work, I made sure to pack up my Kindle, my headphones and my binder with my study book. I knew I didn’t want to do it during the evening because I’d be too hyped up so I saved it for bedtime. I kept wondering a million things: what it was going to be like? Was I even going to be able to do it? All normal human ego crap too like “Is this really going to work?” or my favorite was “What if I do this meditation and she’s going to make me quack like a duck when I hear a certain sound?” I am not kidding you, this is the crap I thought. Paranoia! Not to mention I wondered if spirit guides even real? I mean come on… if I had spirit guides how in the hell did bad stuff keep happening to me? (There is an answer to this and I will get there one of these days in my posts.. it’s all heading to that.)

I finally sucked it up at bedtime and took my Kindle and headphones with me. My husband asked me what I was doing and I told him I had this stupid meditation I had to do as part of my Reiki training and I wanted to do it in bed in case I fell asleep. He just looked at me and went on about his business. I wish I could say I didn’t do weird stuff a lot and he was affected by this, but I can’t. He’s pretty nonplussed by stuff I do anymore. It’s now time and I get all settled into bed, put the headphones on and get the Kindle ready (no I’m not making any money from Amazon mentioning the Kindle, but I love my Kindle). I hit play on the guided meditation and I lay there and wait.

Music starts playing and it’s soft, calm music. It strikes me that I actually find this music pleasing (I’ll think about that later). She starts talking and she really does have a very soothing voice. She begins to guide me through the meditation. I realize, that I can actually visualize this. Um what? My inner voice says “Don’t over think this will ya? Just go with it.” Ok then… Go with it I will. It’s been 18 months, but I still remember the basic meditation. I visualized walking through a forest where it was quiet and calm. I could hear birds chirping, animals moving, crickets… wait. I’m hearing this? What in the … “You’re overthinking, just GO WITH IT.” Ok ok…

As I’m walking through this forest I can hear water running. I get to the edge of the forest and there’s a lake with a mountain in the background. The water’s edge has a row boat tied to a pole in the sand. I untie the boat and row myself over to the mountain. Now mind you, she’s guiding me through all of this. So far, I’m just visualizing what she’s telling me. I get to the mountain, get out of the boat, tie it up again and start walking up the mountain. A path presents itself and it winds all the way up the mountain. At the top of the path, there’s a house and something to sit on. I’m told to sit and wait for my spirit guide to come out. Now I’m on my own. I’m sitting there just waiting, twiddling my thumbs.

The next thing I know, here comes someone. I’m stunned. I almost don’t even know what to do. I wanted to wake myself up, but I was too damn curious at this point to see what was going to happen. The guide addressed me by my given name of Maria. It rattled me. I don’t allow people to call me Maria at this point because I don’t like it and I was brave enough to tell my guide so. My guide addressed this immediately and said I was given the name Maria for a reason and whether I was ready to embrace it yet, was up to me, but they would not be addressing me as anything other than Maria. I just nodded my head as the spirit guide said “Come walk with me.” We got up and walked around as they talked to me and imparted information to me. At this point it doesn’t occur to me I’m still in human form laying on a bed. I am fully and completely involved in this new reality of mine. We go on with the conversation until we were done. The spirit guide bid me adieu and went back into the building. Lisa’s voice came back on and it was time for me to go back the way I came.

I followed her steps to get back to my body. The sound track stopped. I took off my headphones. I sat up in bed. I had no idea what just happened, but it was real. It was as real to me as typing on this keyboard right now. What my spirit guide imparted to me made complete sense. I knew right then and there I wanted to do it again. I knew I had to do more meditation because there was more for me to learn. So much more.

In that moment I knew 1 + 1 no longer equaled 2. Logic went out the window and I was not afraid. For the first time in my life I knew I was onto something. Shit was changing for me and I was ready.

Blessed Be and Peace be with you
Shelley

BTW….

Rule #1 in the metaphysical world, never ever give details about your spirit guides, familiars, spirit animals, other realities, etc. You protect the identity of all of it. Why? Because there are people who exist which will use this information against you. When you are happy and living a good life, people get jealous and want what you have. Regardless of how hard you had to work to get it, they think there should be a shortcut. And whether you believe in spirit guides, meditation, witches or reiki I want you to hear me now, it all exists. Not only does it exist, but there is a white, black and grey side to all of it. You cannot have the good without the bad. Yin and Yang exists for a reason. Anyone who is working with black magic does not wish you happiness. If they get a hold of any of your spiritual information, it’s on like Donkey Kong. PROTECT YOURSELF. You can talk about the generic stuff like I did in this post, but never, ever share the true details with anyone. I made that mistake and I paid for it. Lesson learned.

Universal What? Get the F Outta Here.

Someone I know had this brilliant idea that it was time for me start learning more about the metaphysical side of things. You know because learning about essential oils and admitting there’s they work wasn’t enough to rock my boat. I guess this person figured my little canoe was already rocking to side to side, might as well just flip that bitch over and get soaked. None of this toe tapping the water to see if it feels right, oh no… PLOP. Into the water you go girl. Sink or swim.

I start hunting and pecking around to look up what Reiki means. If you go to reiki.org and look up the meaning this is what you’ll find “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” Pardon me, but W T F is life force energy? Are we talking about all of that hippy crap I’ve read about? Scoffed at? Laughed at my entire life? Why yes, yes we are.

A dictionary meaning was a little more along the lines of something I could potentially understand. I am a very logical person. 1 + 1 must ALWAYS equal 2. Period. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.  Here is what dictionary.com states “a healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel energy into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being.” It was still a bit more than I could handle, but hey, I’m trying to be open. I’m trying not to be closed-minded and open myself up to the possibility there must be something to all of this.

I decide that I’m going to be cheap about this. My poor husband has always just sat back and watched me dive into a million projects whole hog and supports me to the best of his ability. Sometimes he shakes his head at me and just watches me flail about. I didn’t want this to be just another “thing” I spent thousands of dollars on later abandon it all and apologize for spending so much money. He truly is a saint and I have no idea how he’s kept me all of these years. I think he loves our kids and just put up with me to keep them 🙂 Anyway, short story later, I find udemy.com and discover a program that’s super inexpensive and I do the Lisa Powers Reiki I, II and Master certification.

<standing on soapbox> If anyone has done in person classes and scoffs at the idea of the online stuff, I’m going to tell you right now to shut it. I won’t deny you likely had an amazing experience in person, but that doesn’t take away from what I experienced. No comparisons… you don’t get to steal my joy.<getting off soapbox>

I start taking the online class. I print everything out ahead of time, I three-hole punch it, I put it in a binder. I get my headphones so I can listen to this in my office at work during lunch and I get completely prepared. I am so 1-2-3 prepared it’s not even funny. I start the course and she’s talking about what Reiki is, the history and how it works. She’s talking about how energy emanates from the practitioners hands. All I can think of is how damn cold my hands are all of the time. Then during the course of learning, she teaches you how to feel the energy. Put your hands together, rub them back and forth as if you were warming them up because you’re cold. Now pull your hands about 1/2″ to an 1″ apart. What do you feel? For me, my hands were tingling and they got really warm. Clearly they only got warm because I rubbed them together right. I mean this energy thing is just some hokum someone came up with make money. Right?!?

Nope. This shit works people. The more I learned to work with Reiki the more I felt a huge difference. I can be as cold as anything, but the moment I start working with Reiki whether it’s on a client or on myself, I start getting warm and not just my hands. I have to keep my healing room fairly cool because I get so hot I wind up sweating so I have a warming pad on the massage table so my clients stay warm. I had never, ever felt anything like it. I tingle, noticeably.

The instructor teaches you how to meditate. Now, wait a minute. First you’re expecting me to believe in this energy crap and now you want me to meditate? Dude… there’s no taking it slow any longer. Suck it up buttercup.

How much can one person take? Apparently my spirit guides have a massive sense of humor.

To be continued…

Blessed Be and Peace be with you,
Shelley

Excuse me? Who, me? Seriously!?!

In April of 2016 I took an Aromatherapy Certification course with my girlfriend, Trisha. It was a weekend spent in the home of the people teaching the course. It was an amazing experience and the food? WHOA!! The wife of the gentleman teaching the course could cook like there’s no tomorrow. If you left the table hungry, that was your fault, but I digress.

We met wonderful women during this weekend from different walks of life. One of these women was from Russia. Her name is Nikita and she had a wonderful accent. She was so knowledgeable already on essential oils and helped to explain some things I may not have understood. During our breaks and after the days teachings were over, Trisha and I started talking to Nikita about different things. Nikita was very into the metaphysical side of life which was something I knew very little about.

We were talking about Astrology, numerology, past lives, etc. It was very interesting to me, but nothing I had ever considered myself to be interested in prior to this conversation. I mean sure I’d read my horoscope growing up, but didn’t everyone? I also messed around with energy once as a kid, which I totally forgot about until writing this post. I was a sleepover in probably 5th grade. We played the game “Light as a Feather, Thick as a Board.” Five little girls were able to actually lift another 5th grader off the floor with just our finger tips. That scared the bejeesuz out of me. We also played Bloody Mary that same night. (BTW, not for nothing, but I didn’t sleep that night.) As if I hadn’t learned my lesson enough, one night we played around with a Ouija board. NOT a very smart thing to do when you have no idea how to protect yourself metaphysically. The damn white thing moved on it’s own and told us it was a 6 yr old child who had been murdered. I was done. Threw the board out and never looked back.

To me, this were all just games. Stuff which wasn’t real and kids just played around with because we were the only ones dumb enough to believe it. Adults told us we were silly and just left us to our devices. My mom did read Tarot cards when I was younger. She had a very bad experience with them when I was about 15 and she never touched them again.

Nikita continues on talking to Trisha and I’m just sitting there listening. I had a look of disbelief on my face and plain as day Nikita said “You have the gift. I don’t know why you’re shocked at the conversation.” Excuse me? Who, me? Seriously!?! You have got to be kidding. And that’s exactly what I said. I shook my head no way and Trisha looked at me and said “Yeah, you do.” My jaw dropped open. We had been friends for about 9 years up until that point and NOW is when she’s telling me this? My head was spinning in disbelief. Trisha repeated what she had said previously. I hadn’t been open to hearing about many things she believed in and she was afraid to talk about them to me for fear of being judged. So.. here we were. She got all into oils and the great beyond was staring me in the face whether I liked it or not. Crap.

This one fairly innocuous conversation was a snowflake which turned into a snowball. One I never expected to snow again much less grow into a snowball. My life was about to change in a very big way. I had no idea.

Blessed Be – Peace be with you
Shelley

**Nikita’s name was changed to protect her true identity.

It Takes a Village People… like it or not.

There is a saying that goes “It takes a village to raise a child.” There is a reason this saying exists. When life was much more simple and humans were more interested in other people rather than a damn phone, tablet or a TV, people looked out for each other. When a woman bore a child, the village women would help her. They would cook for her, help clean her home and help teach her how to raise that child. The entire village was invested in the well-being of the young which had been brought into the world. As the babe grew, neighbors would continue to help. Families helped to raise each others children. Families were large and often required more than just two people to handle it all.

Children were put to work fairly early even with school duties because farms needed tending to, logs needed split, animals needed fed. There wasn’t an enormous amount of free time for a child to sit around and dawdle. Now I’m not saying no one got in trouble, I’m just saying it gave them less time to get into trouble. Men worked outside the home and the females took care of the home. This came with its own set of issues because women weren’t always valued for the true blessings they were to a family. However, if a female was mistreated, often times other men of the village would step in and handle business. Just be patient with me, I’m getting to the point.

As a society, humans eventually started to not like other people butting into their business so they moved to other cities where no one would know who they were. Technology came along like electricity, phones and other modern conveniences. Women learned they could have less children. It became easier to move away from your support group.

If the village has dissipated, who helps the single mom of 3 children care for those children, work a full-time job outside the home, feed those children and make sure they have clothes and all of their necessities? You are now left with a stressed out mother who just wants a moments peace. Rather than her finding that moments peace, it exasperates her situation and she becomes more mentally agitated than she needs to be. Who suffers? EVERYONE SUFFERS. The mom suffers, the children suffer… it’s a no win situation, unless you can afford a Nanny and trust me, that ain’t the norm.

When does society finally decide to actually start caring about other people and helping out those families who are in distress? No one is saying you need to hand over thousands of dollars to someone, but if you see a person struggling, give them a hand. If you see a stressed out child, ask the parent is there anything you can do to lend a hand. BE THE CHANGE WE NEED TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Don’t be a fucking ostrich and bury your head and pretend it’ll all go away.

Hunger is here in the United States. We keep sending money to other countries. FEED US. FEED YOUR LOCAL CHILDREN. Do you not think the parents of hungry children are stressed out? It leads to physical abuse, mental abuse and so much more. If my mom’s parents hadn’t owned a farm, I truly don’t know how I would have eaten as a child. The majority of our food came from that farm and we worked for it. Snapped beans, shucked corn, dug potatoes. I swear that root cellar with the potatoes used to make me puke it stunk so bad. However, I am grateful it existed because it fed me.

I keep money in my car so when I see someone on the street with a sign asking for money, I have money to give. I used to be so judgmental and think “Oh you just want it for drugs.” As a recovering addict, I fight with my inner self on this. What did I decide? I decided, who the hell am I? Who am I to judge someone else? I am no one. Maybe that $5 I hand over is going to go for drugs, but maybe, just maybe they’re hungry and that $5 just bought them some warm food. Give it FREELY with NO EXPECTATIONS.

America expects. I call bullshit. Learn to love openly and unconditionally. If you are donating, it’s called a donation for reason. You gave it willingly. Your end of the deal is now complete. Walk away proud of yourself and pray that the receiver will do the right thing. You don’t get to decide what their karma should be. Mind your own karma.

I have debated many times if I want to continue to write this blog. I haven’t written anything in about 6 weeks. Sorting through how I feel about my childhood and my early adult life has been difficult for me. I have biological family members who have accused me of being selfish, pointing the finger at everyone but me, being egotistical and the list goes on. I let it deter me for a while because I felt I needed to examine my motive for writing this blog. Was it really to just point fingers at someone else and say “Look at what you did!” Or, did I start writing this blog because I was tired of putting my dirty laundry under the carpet which had become so lumpy, I couldn’t walk on the carpet anymore?

It’s none of those things. I started writing it because I give a shit about other people. I want other women and men to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That’s my message, that’s my reason. If my reasoning pisses you off and you want to yell at me, have at it. Perhaps you need to examine your own damn life and figure out why you’re getting so pissed off about what I wrote. Perhaps you have your own behavior to look at.

And so, here I am writing again. And it feels damn good.

The Truly Bad 4-Letter F-word

FEAR! This word to me is far worse than saying, reading or hearing the word fuck. I mean, seriously. Fear can stop you in your tracks. It can alter the course of your path for a minute, a day or a lifetime. Fear can stop you from taking chances which could propel you forward in life. Fear of the unknown can you keep in a stalemate. Fear of a spider? Can make you stop your car in traffic and jump out yelling like a crazy person. (Yes, I do know people who have done this.) Fear of the dark? You refuse to go into a dark basement until every light is on and even then you wonder what’s lurking in the shadows. Why do we do these things ourselves? Humans have a need to feel safe.

When we walk in safety, we are comfortable with life. We may not be happy, but we are comfortable because it’s what we know. We have a routine which we become accustomed to and we know what to expect. The flip side to this is, we also stunt ourselves emotionally within the confines of safety by not allowing ourselves to grow.

I thought I had a fear of writing about my life and the experiences I’ve had. I’ve met so many other women who’ve had similar experiences and when we share stories, I’ve shared with them I’ve always wanted to write about it so others like us would know they were not alone. They’ve all said to me “You should write about it. I’m too afraid to do it.” It’s always easier to be on the sidelines than on the field in your gear ready to take a hit. And to be honest, it wasn’t really the fear of writing we were worried about at all, but the fear of how our biological families would react to WHAT we were going write about. Yes most of the family members already knew the stories, but confronting them with it in black and white is a different story. How well was that going to go over? Not very well. I knew that going in. I am tired of standing on the sidelines. I’m geared up and ready.

I’m making a different choice now to confront my fear and with that choice comes a consequence. I am losing relationships with biological family members. I have exposed the things which we do not speak of. Did I expect this? Yes.  Is it a surprise? Nope, not in the least. Here’s the biggest question: Have these people loved and supported me no matter what my decisions have been my entire life? The biggest answer: No, they loved me as long as I did what they wanted me to do.

This is a huge epiphany for me. So huge it didn’t even occur to me until I was writing this and figured it out. I’ve said and done things my entire life that I didn’t agree with to make others happy so I would feel loved. This is an admission of guilt. I’ve said horrible things about people I truly loved because it made a biological family member happy. That was MY choice. No one forced me to do this. I allowed others opinions to become my own. I was the weak one. I now choose to stand in my truth and it takes strength, but it can also be physically very lonely. However, as I walk down this road I know I am not emotionally alone. I have spirit guides, guardian angels and family I’ve chosen who do love me for exactly who I am. I am no longer responsible for carrying someone else’s shitty pickles. I am standing with my head held high knowing that I made a different choice. I chose peace and happiness. I chose to claim in my responsibility and forgive myself so I can move forward and grow.

Here is my truth. I have been married four times to four different men. I have 4 children with 3 different men. One of those 3 men I wasn’t even married to. How’s that for airing some dirty laundry? I was very embarrassed about this for years. I’m not any longer. I have remorse for the trail of pain I left behind.

First marriage: 4 months beginning to end. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten married. I apologize to you husband #1. I knew it wasn’t right when we got married and I did it anyway. I accept my responsibility for not putting any effort whatsoever into the relationship and for being willing to walk away so easily.

Father of child #1 – I am sorry I lead you on after she was first born and allowed you to believe there would be a relationship because there was a child involved. I really and truly wanted her to be raised with biological father because I hadn’t been raised with mine. I know I hurt you and I apologize.

Second marriage: 8 months living together, 2+ years total on paper in marriage. There will never be enough words in the English language to tell you how deeply sorry I am for hurting you. I loved you the only way I knew how at the age of 20 & 21. It was far less than you deserved.

Third marriage and father of child #2 and #3 – I am sorry for the part my behavior played in our divorce. I could have been a much better wife and that wasn’t fair to you. I gave all of my love and attention to our children instead. I could have made more time to nurture our relationship.

Fourth marriage and father of child #4 – You’re my favorite asshat in the world. I’ve apologized to you for many things over the years. Marrying you, I will never be sorry for that. We have worked extremely hard at keeping our marriage together including living in two different states for 3 years and stage 4 throat cancer. I will be damned if I’m going to allow my human ego or my pride to wreck this one. I love you with a depth in which mere words could never express it appropriately.

To anyone reading this post if you made it this far:

When you feel alone in this world, please know you are not. With each blog post I write, I lose another friend or family member, but I also gain 2 friends who choose to become family. Family is everything to me. I will hold on tight and love you all til my dying breath.

Peace be with you as it is with me.

Trauma Is Not Just Physical Pain

The definition of trauma is (1) a deeply distressing or disturbing experience or (2) physical injury. When I’ve talked to people about trauma I’ve experienced in my lifetime, they automatically assume it was all physical traumas. There was physical trauma, but what about the emotional trauma? Just because someone didn’t hit me physically doesn’t mean I didn’t experience a pain so deep in my soul it changed who I was forever.

The majority of my specific trauma all happened by the age of 15. After that, I was pretty much a self-serving bitch because I’d had enough of people thinking I was a pushover. I was no longer willing to allow my throat chakra to stay closed and swallow down anymore bullshit for anyone. I said what I wanted, how I wanted and outwardly I didn’t really care what anyone thought of me. When I was alone and quiet I would think about the pain I may have caused someone. It was in those moments I decided I was more like my favorite book/movie character, Katie Scarlett O’Hara, more affectionately known as Scarlett. I always thought to myself “After all, tomorrow is another day.” The translation to this is… I’m not going to think about that right now, which Scarlett said regularly. To her, the end goal was all that mattered and whomever she had to stomp on in the meantime was just going to have to deal.

As human beings walking around with a lot of baggage in our hearts, we often say and do things out of anger or when we are under the influence we would not normally say. In a normal, unaltered state we avoid saying and doing these same things. You know those moments when you’re out and you’ve had a drink and wind up telling the hot guy/girl you’ve been eyeing up all night that you’re attracted to them. There’s a reason alcohol is called liquid courage. It lowers our inhibitions and our guarded protection over our hearts. Feelings we have in an unaltered state we would never allow out start to flow freely. Sometimes we remember stating these feelings and sometimes we do not. Anger can cause much the same reaction. It’s like a switch was flipped and the electrical current is no longer being controlled and stuff just starts flying with no grounding to trigger it to stop. Then comes the electrical shock.

I remember this moment as if it was yesterday; I don’t think I was any more than 6 years old. My parents were getting a divorce and my world was upside down so I wasn’t sleeping well. My father had always rocked me to sleep and with that gone, my routine changed (insert a huge aha moment literally just now as I write this for why I had routine based OCD). My mother had been out for the night and I could tell by the smell alcohol was involved. I have a very sensitive nose, always have and I can pick up that smell very quickly. I remember being scared because I woke up in the middle of the night and went to crawl in bed with her, but she wasn’t there so I went back to my bed. When she did finally come home, I tossed back the covers and my little bare feet hit ground again. I walked towards her room holding my Mrs. Beasley doll (which I still have) and there stood my mom facing away from me. I asked her where she had been because I was scared. She turned around and looked at me and she said a few things but the only one I remember hearing was this “If you had never been born, your father and I would still be married.”

As a 48 year old woman who has been through a divorce, I understand why my mother felt that way. She was hurt, going through a lot and there was alcohol involved. I did ask her about this statement once when I was in my 30’s, but she has absolutely no recollection of ever saying it. I believe that. My own children tell me things I’ve said and I do not remember saying them. It doesn’t mean their feelings about it aren’t valid. That one sentence from my mother, something she doesn’t even remember, had affected me for most of my life. I truly believed I was responsible for their marriage falling apart. I was immediately and deeply saddened. I lost a piece of my soul that night.

As an adult, I can tell you having someone blame me for anything was a huge trigger for my anger to come out, especially when I knew it wasn’t my responsibility. PHEW! Boy howdy would I react violently. I’d throw cordless phones (went through 4 in one year) and I would reach into the depths of my mind to find the weakness of my accuser and I would use it against the person. If they were going to hurt me, I’d show them a thing or two. I was reacting to what was in my view, a huge injustice. In the end, I feel like what I did was worse because it was intentional. I had some serious self-forgiveness to do. I still don’t like being blamed for something which I know isn’t my fault, but I don’t get angry anymore. I’m not going to keep trying to convince someone of something I know I didn’t do. Either you believe me or you don’t. It’s that simple for me.

I step through the triggers instead of allowing them to consume me.

Peace be with you.

Shelley