Universal What? Get the F Outta Here.

Someone I know had this brilliant idea that it was time for me start learning more about the metaphysical side of things. You know because learning about essential oils and admitting there’s they work wasn’t enough to rock my boat. I guess this person figured my little canoe was already rocking to side to side, might as well just flip that bitch over and get soaked. None of this toe tapping the water to see if it feels right, oh no… PLOP. Into the water you go girl. Sink or swim.

I start hunting and pecking around to look up what Reiki means. If you go to reiki.org and look up the meaning this is what you’ll find “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It is administered by “laying on hands” and is based on the idea that an unseen “life force energy” flows through us and is what causes us to be alive. If one’s “life force energy” is low, then we are more likely to get sick or feel stress, and if it is high, we are more capable of being happy and healthy.” Pardon me, but W T F is life force energy? Are we talking about all of that hippy crap I’ve read about? Scoffed at? Laughed at my entire life? Why yes, yes we are.

A dictionary meaning was a little more along the lines of something I could potentially understand. I am a very logical person. 1 + 1 must ALWAYS equal 2. Period. There’s no ifs, ands or buts about it.  Here is what dictionary.com states “a healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel energy into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being.” It was still a bit more than I could handle, but hey, I’m trying to be open. I’m trying not to be closed-minded and open myself up to the possibility there must be something to all of this.

I decide that I’m going to be cheap about this. My poor husband has always just sat back and watched me dive into a million projects whole hog and supports me to the best of his ability. Sometimes he shakes his head at me and just watches me flail about. I didn’t want this to be just another “thing” I spent thousands of dollars on later abandon it all and apologize for spending so much money. He truly is a saint and I have no idea how he’s kept me all of these years. I think he loves our kids and just put up with me to keep them 🙂 Anyway, short story later, I find udemy.com and discover a program that’s super inexpensive and I do the Lisa Powers Reiki I, II and Master certification.

<standing on soapbox> If anyone has done in person classes and scoffs at the idea of the online stuff, I’m going to tell you right now to shut it. I won’t deny you likely had an amazing experience in person, but that doesn’t take away from what I experienced. No comparisons… you don’t get to steal my joy.<getting off soapbox>

I start taking the online class. I print everything out ahead of time, I three-hole punch it, I put it in a binder. I get my headphones so I can listen to this in my office at work during lunch and I get completely prepared. I am so 1-2-3 prepared it’s not even funny. I start the course and she’s talking about what Reiki is, the history and how it works. She’s talking about how energy emanates from the practitioners hands. All I can think of is how damn cold my hands are all of the time. Then during the course of learning, she teaches you how to feel the energy. Put your hands together, rub them back and forth as if you were warming them up because you’re cold. Now pull your hands about 1/2″ to an 1″ apart. What do you feel? For me, my hands were tingling and they got really warm. Clearly they only got warm because I rubbed them together right. I mean this energy thing is just some hokum someone came up with make money. Right?!?

Nope. This shit works people. The more I learned to work with Reiki the more I felt a huge difference. I can be as cold as anything, but the moment I start working with Reiki whether it’s on a client or on myself, I start getting warm and not just my hands. I have to keep my healing room fairly cool because I get so hot I wind up sweating so I have a warming pad on the massage table so my clients stay warm. I had never, ever felt anything like it. I tingle, noticeably.

The instructor teaches you how to meditate. Now, wait a minute. First you’re expecting me to believe in this energy crap and now you want me to meditate? Dude… there’s no taking it slow any longer. Suck it up buttercup.

How much can one person take? Apparently my spirit guides have a massive sense of humor.

To be continued…

Blessed Be and Peace be with you,
Shelley

The Truly Bad 4-Letter F-word

FEAR! This word to me is far worse than saying, reading or hearing the word fuck. I mean, seriously. Fear can stop you in your tracks. It can alter the course of your path for a minute, a day or a lifetime. Fear can stop you from taking chances which could propel you forward in life. Fear of the unknown can you keep in a stalemate. Fear of a spider? Can make you stop your car in traffic and jump out yelling like a crazy person. (Yes, I do know people who have done this.) Fear of the dark? You refuse to go into a dark basement until every light is on and even then you wonder what’s lurking in the shadows. Why do we do these things ourselves? Humans have a need to feel safe.

When we walk in safety, we are comfortable with life. We may not be happy, but we are comfortable because it’s what we know. We have a routine which we become accustomed to and we know what to expect. The flip side to this is, we also stunt ourselves emotionally within the confines of safety by not allowing ourselves to grow.

I thought I had a fear of writing about my life and the experiences I’ve had. I’ve met so many other women who’ve had similar experiences and when we share stories, I’ve shared with them I’ve always wanted to write about it so others like us would know they were not alone. They’ve all said to me “You should write about it. I’m too afraid to do it.” It’s always easier to be on the sidelines than on the field in your gear ready to take a hit. And to be honest, it wasn’t really the fear of writing we were worried about at all, but the fear of how our biological families would react to WHAT we were going write about. Yes most of the family members already knew the stories, but confronting them with it in black and white is a different story. How well was that going to go over? Not very well. I knew that going in. I am tired of standing on the sidelines. I’m geared up and ready.

I’m making a different choice now to confront my fear and with that choice comes a consequence. I am losing relationships with biological family members. I have exposed the things which we do not speak of. Did I expect this? Yes.  Is it a surprise? Nope, not in the least. Here’s the biggest question: Have these people loved and supported me no matter what my decisions have been my entire life? The biggest answer: No, they loved me as long as I did what they wanted me to do.

This is a huge epiphany for me. So huge it didn’t even occur to me until I was writing this and figured it out. I’ve said and done things my entire life that I didn’t agree with to make others happy so I would feel loved. This is an admission of guilt. I’ve said horrible things about people I truly loved because it made a biological family member happy. That was MY choice. No one forced me to do this. I allowed others opinions to become my own. I was the weak one. I now choose to stand in my truth and it takes strength, but it can also be physically very lonely. However, as I walk down this road I know I am not emotionally alone. I have spirit guides, guardian angels and family I’ve chosen who do love me for exactly who I am. I am no longer responsible for carrying someone else’s shitty pickles. I am standing with my head held high knowing that I made a different choice. I chose peace and happiness. I chose to claim in my responsibility and forgive myself so I can move forward and grow.

Here is my truth. I have been married four times to four different men. I have 4 children with 3 different men. One of those 3 men I wasn’t even married to. How’s that for airing some dirty laundry? I was very embarrassed about this for years. I’m not any longer. I have remorse for the trail of pain I left behind.

First marriage: 4 months beginning to end. I knew I shouldn’t have gotten married. I apologize to you husband #1. I knew it wasn’t right when we got married and I did it anyway. I accept my responsibility for not putting any effort whatsoever into the relationship and for being willing to walk away so easily.

Father of child #1 – I am sorry I lead you on after she was first born and allowed you to believe there would be a relationship because there was a child involved. I really and truly wanted her to be raised with biological father because I hadn’t been raised with mine. I know I hurt you and I apologize.

Second marriage: 8 months living together, 2+ years total on paper in marriage. There will never be enough words in the English language to tell you how deeply sorry I am for hurting you. I loved you the only way I knew how at the age of 20 & 21. It was far less than you deserved.

Third marriage and father of child #2 and #3 – I am sorry for the part my behavior played in our divorce. I could have been a much better wife and that wasn’t fair to you. I gave all of my love and attention to our children instead. I could have made more time to nurture our relationship.

Fourth marriage and father of child #4 – You’re my favorite asshat in the world. I’ve apologized to you for many things over the years. Marrying you, I will never be sorry for that. We have worked extremely hard at keeping our marriage together including living in two different states for 3 years and stage 4 throat cancer. I will be damned if I’m going to allow my human ego or my pride to wreck this one. I love you with a depth in which mere words could never express it appropriately.

To anyone reading this post if you made it this far:

When you feel alone in this world, please know you are not. With each blog post I write, I lose another friend or family member, but I also gain 2 friends who choose to become family. Family is everything to me. I will hold on tight and love you all til my dying breath.

Peace be with you as it is with me.