Profound Moments

The more I learned during my online reiki course, the more life started to make sense to me. There are no accidents in life, only synchronicities. I know this is a painful thing to think about especially if we’ve experienced something gutwrenchingly awful to our heart, mind and body.

I am of the opinion where time is not linear. Science has many debates going on about this, but here’s a quote I found which I truly love. Julian Balfour was quoted in Popular Science on September 18, 2012 stating the following: “The only evidence you have of last week is your memory. But memory comes from a stable structure of neurons in your brain now. The only evidence we have of the Earth’s past is rocks and fossils. But these are just stable structures in the form of an arrangement of minerals we examine in the present. The point is, all we have are these records and you only have them in this Now.” Keeping this in mind, your past, present and future are all happening right now. We can debate this until the cows come home, but this is what I believe.

During my online reiki lessons, I was taught how to do distance work using symbols and meditation practices. The teacher taught us not only could we send energy to someone else without touching them or being near them, we could also go back into our past and send love and healing to our past selves. BOOM! Mind completely blown. Anyone who takes a reiki course knows we are ALL taught this (again, this is why I don’t understand why online learning for reiki isn’t well revered. Kind of snobbish if you ask me, which you didn’t. However it’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.) I had already believed in time not being linear, but I was astounded at this revelation.

With my being the ever skeptic person, I figured I’d just give it a go and test it out. One night while I was lying in bed I couldn’t sleep. It was the perfect time to try this distance stuff out and at the least, maybe the meditation would put me to sleep. I went into meditation while lying horizontally on my bed. I sent myself to a place where I was happy. I visualized sending myself back into my past taking hops based on the happiest moments so I was in good place emotionally. I went backwards to the adoption of the youngest child, my marriage to this husband, the birth of my youngest biological child, birth of middle child and birth of oldest child. When I got to this point I realized just how damn young I was having a baby. I sent love to myself at all of these ages and finally I sent myself to the earliest memory I have of being molested.

It was very hard for me to stay in this meditation seeing how sad and broken I was as an 8 year old little girl. There was no happiness in my eyes and I could feel the loneliness all over again. As I stood next to her I asked her to look at me and she was very hesitant. I was taught to be seen and not heard. I spoke very softly and carefully to her letting her know I was the grown-up version of her. She didn’t want to believe me, but I assured her it was true. I had a very long talk with her and let her know that no matter what happens to her, she was loved and as an adult she’d be happy. I promised her we had a life now, we were married with beautiful children. I asked her if I was allowed to hug her and she agreed. I felt her body relax and then I felt relaxed. I thanked her for allowing me to hug her which is significant because abuse victims don’t always like being touched.

While hugging her, I sent her love and healing energy using my symbols. When I was done talking to her, I brought myself out of the meditation and proceeded to ugly cry.  You know the ugly cry, chest heaving, can’t talk, eyes swollen kind of cry. I had to get out of bed and go to the bathroom so I didn’t wake up my husband.  When the snuffling finally stopped and I could calm down I realized I was different. I felt different as if  someone gave a damn. It was in this moment I realized I had truly learned to love myself, literally. I loved the little girl who had been emotionally and physically abused. I loved the good and the bad about myself. This was probably one of the most profound moments of my life. I felt the love I had given myself at that age come forward into now.

All I have are Nows. All any of us have are the Nows. Tomorrow is not promised and you don’t want to live with regret. Love yourself  T O D A Y. Don’t wait for someone else to love you first because it’ll never happen. You have to love yourself in order to allow others to love you wholly.

I am grateful to the Divine Feminine for allowing me to find this path. The amount of emotional healing I’ve done since moment is huge. I am not the same person and I am proud of myself.

Blessed Be and Peace be with you

Shelley

Losing the Metaphysical Virginity

If you’re still following my blog, you know I’m a smart ass and I like to make people laugh. Life is so serious and the things I’m writing about are very serious. It doesn’t mean it has to be dry and boring.

Now, where did I leave off? Oh yes, the meditation thing. To me, meditation was something that those monks did and stuff those hippies from Yellow Springs do (I’m from Ohio and that’s hippy town out here). Normal people don’t do those things. Meditation is just sitting there quietly and I have no desire to sit quietly. The last time I sat and stayed quiet I was molested for three years so I’m all about talking. I will talk and talk to keep you at arm’s length away from me. If for some reason you can actually make it past my being obnoxious, then you stand a chance at seeing who I really am. But being quiet? Never got anything positive from that so how in the hell do you think that’s going to make me better?

As I type, I feel like I’m hitting the question mark key on the keyboard far more often than I’m hitting the period key. The good news is, your spirit guides want you to question. Why? Because they have answers if you’re only willing to listen. And how do I know? Because this was a guided meditation to meet one of my spirit guides.

I knew I couldn’t do the meditation at work because it’s just too stressful there. When I left work, I made sure to pack up my Kindle, my headphones and my binder with my study book. I knew I didn’t want to do it during the evening because I’d be too hyped up so I saved it for bedtime. I kept wondering a million things: what it was going to be like? Was I even going to be able to do it? All normal human ego crap too like “Is this really going to work?” or my favorite was “What if I do this meditation and she’s going to make me quack like a duck when I hear a certain sound?” I am not kidding you, this is the crap I thought. Paranoia! Not to mention I wondered if spirit guides even real? I mean come on… if I had spirit guides how in the hell did bad stuff keep happening to me? (There is an answer to this and I will get there one of these days in my posts.. it’s all heading to that.)

I finally sucked it up at bedtime and took my Kindle and headphones with me. My husband asked me what I was doing and I told him I had this stupid meditation I had to do as part of my Reiki training and I wanted to do it in bed in case I fell asleep. He just looked at me and went on about his business. I wish I could say I didn’t do weird stuff a lot and he was affected by this, but I can’t. He’s pretty nonplussed by stuff I do anymore. It’s now time and I get all settled into bed, put the headphones on and get the Kindle ready (no I’m not making any money from Amazon mentioning the Kindle, but I love my Kindle). I hit play on the guided meditation and I lay there and wait.

Music starts playing and it’s soft, calm music. It strikes me that I actually find this music pleasing (I’ll think about that later). She starts talking and she really does have a very soothing voice. She begins to guide me through the meditation. I realize, that I can actually visualize this. Um what? My inner voice says “Don’t over think this will ya? Just go with it.” Ok then… Go with it I will. It’s been 18 months, but I still remember the basic meditation. I visualized walking through a forest where it was quiet and calm. I could hear birds chirping, animals moving, crickets… wait. I’m hearing this? What in the … “You’re overthinking, just GO WITH IT.” Ok ok…

As I’m walking through this forest I can hear water running. I get to the edge of the forest and there’s a lake with a mountain in the background. The water’s edge has a row boat tied to a pole in the sand. I untie the boat and row myself over to the mountain. Now mind you, she’s guiding me through all of this. So far, I’m just visualizing what she’s telling me. I get to the mountain, get out of the boat, tie it up again and start walking up the mountain. A path presents itself and it winds all the way up the mountain. At the top of the path, there’s a house and something to sit on. I’m told to sit and wait for my spirit guide to come out. Now I’m on my own. I’m sitting there just waiting, twiddling my thumbs.

The next thing I know, here comes someone. I’m stunned. I almost don’t even know what to do. I wanted to wake myself up, but I was too damn curious at this point to see what was going to happen. The guide addressed me by my given name of Maria. It rattled me. I don’t allow people to call me Maria at this point because I don’t like it and I was brave enough to tell my guide so. My guide addressed this immediately and said I was given the name Maria for a reason and whether I was ready to embrace it yet, was up to me, but they would not be addressing me as anything other than Maria. I just nodded my head as the spirit guide said “Come walk with me.” We got up and walked around as they talked to me and imparted information to me. At this point it doesn’t occur to me I’m still in human form laying on a bed. I am fully and completely involved in this new reality of mine. We go on with the conversation until we were done. The spirit guide bid me adieu and went back into the building. Lisa’s voice came back on and it was time for me to go back the way I came.

I followed her steps to get back to my body. The sound track stopped. I took off my headphones. I sat up in bed. I had no idea what just happened, but it was real. It was as real to me as typing on this keyboard right now. What my spirit guide imparted to me made complete sense. I knew right then and there I wanted to do it again. I knew I had to do more meditation because there was more for me to learn. So much more.

In that moment I knew 1 + 1 no longer equaled 2. Logic went out the window and I was not afraid. For the first time in my life I knew I was onto something. Shit was changing for me and I was ready.

Blessed Be and Peace be with you
Shelley

BTW….

Rule #1 in the metaphysical world, never ever give details about your spirit guides, familiars, spirit animals, other realities, etc. You protect the identity of all of it. Why? Because there are people who exist which will use this information against you. When you are happy and living a good life, people get jealous and want what you have. Regardless of how hard you had to work to get it, they think there should be a shortcut. And whether you believe in spirit guides, meditation, witches or reiki I want you to hear me now, it all exists. Not only does it exist, but there is a white, black and grey side to all of it. You cannot have the good without the bad. Yin and Yang exists for a reason. Anyone who is working with black magic does not wish you happiness. If they get a hold of any of your spiritual information, it’s on like Donkey Kong. PROTECT YOURSELF. You can talk about the generic stuff like I did in this post, but never, ever share the true details with anyone. I made that mistake and I paid for it. Lesson learned.

Excuse me? Who, me? Seriously!?!

In April of 2016 I took an Aromatherapy Certification course with my girlfriend, Trisha. It was a weekend spent in the home of the people teaching the course. It was an amazing experience and the food? WHOA!! The wife of the gentleman teaching the course could cook like there’s no tomorrow. If you left the table hungry, that was your fault, but I digress.

We met wonderful women during this weekend from different walks of life. One of these women was from Russia. Her name is Nikita and she had a wonderful accent. She was so knowledgeable already on essential oils and helped to explain some things I may not have understood. During our breaks and after the days teachings were over, Trisha and I started talking to Nikita about different things. Nikita was very into the metaphysical side of life which was something I knew very little about.

We were talking about Astrology, numerology, past lives, etc. It was very interesting to me, but nothing I had ever considered myself to be interested in prior to this conversation. I mean sure I’d read my horoscope growing up, but didn’t everyone? I also messed around with energy once as a kid, which I totally forgot about until writing this post. I was a sleepover in probably 5th grade. We played the game “Light as a Feather, Thick as a Board.” Five little girls were able to actually lift another 5th grader off the floor with just our finger tips. That scared the bejeesuz out of me. We also played Bloody Mary that same night. (BTW, not for nothing, but I didn’t sleep that night.) As if I hadn’t learned my lesson enough, one night we played around with a Ouija board. NOT a very smart thing to do when you have no idea how to protect yourself metaphysically. The damn white thing moved on it’s own and told us it was a 6 yr old child who had been murdered. I was done. Threw the board out and never looked back.

To me, this were all just games. Stuff which wasn’t real and kids just played around with because we were the only ones dumb enough to believe it. Adults told us we were silly and just left us to our devices. My mom did read Tarot cards when I was younger. She had a very bad experience with them when I was about 15 and she never touched them again.

Nikita continues on talking to Trisha and I’m just sitting there listening. I had a look of disbelief on my face and plain as day Nikita said “You have the gift. I don’t know why you’re shocked at the conversation.” Excuse me? Who, me? Seriously!?! You have got to be kidding. And that’s exactly what I said. I shook my head no way and Trisha looked at me and said “Yeah, you do.” My jaw dropped open. We had been friends for about 9 years up until that point and NOW is when she’s telling me this? My head was spinning in disbelief. Trisha repeated what she had said previously. I hadn’t been open to hearing about many things she believed in and she was afraid to talk about them to me for fear of being judged. So.. here we were. She got all into oils and the great beyond was staring me in the face whether I liked it or not. Crap.

This one fairly innocuous conversation was a snowflake which turned into a snowball. One I never expected to snow again much less grow into a snowball. My life was about to change in a very big way. I had no idea.

Blessed Be – Peace be with you
Shelley

**Nikita’s name was changed to protect her true identity.

It Takes a Village People… like it or not.

There is a saying that goes “It takes a village to raise a child.” There is a reason this saying exists. When life was much more simple and humans were more interested in other people rather than a damn phone, tablet or a TV, people looked out for each other. When a woman bore a child, the village women would help her. They would cook for her, help clean her home and help teach her how to raise that child. The entire village was invested in the well-being of the young which had been brought into the world. As the babe grew, neighbors would continue to help. Families helped to raise each others children. Families were large and often required more than just two people to handle it all.

Children were put to work fairly early even with school duties because farms needed tending to, logs needed split, animals needed fed. There wasn’t an enormous amount of free time for a child to sit around and dawdle. Now I’m not saying no one got in trouble, I’m just saying it gave them less time to get into trouble. Men worked outside the home and the females took care of the home. This came with its own set of issues because women weren’t always valued for the true blessings they were to a family. However, if a female was mistreated, often times other men of the village would step in and handle business. Just be patient with me, I’m getting to the point.

As a society, humans eventually started to not like other people butting into their business so they moved to other cities where no one would know who they were. Technology came along like electricity, phones and other modern conveniences. Women learned they could have less children. It became easier to move away from your support group.

If the village has dissipated, who helps the single mom of 3 children care for those children, work a full-time job outside the home, feed those children and make sure they have clothes and all of their necessities? You are now left with a stressed out mother who just wants a moments peace. Rather than her finding that moments peace, it exasperates her situation and she becomes more mentally agitated than she needs to be. Who suffers? EVERYONE SUFFERS. The mom suffers, the children suffer… it’s a no win situation, unless you can afford a Nanny and trust me, that ain’t the norm.

When does society finally decide to actually start caring about other people and helping out those families who are in distress? No one is saying you need to hand over thousands of dollars to someone, but if you see a person struggling, give them a hand. If you see a stressed out child, ask the parent is there anything you can do to lend a hand. BE THE CHANGE WE NEED TO SEE IN THE WORLD. Don’t be a fucking ostrich and bury your head and pretend it’ll all go away.

Hunger is here in the United States. We keep sending money to other countries. FEED US. FEED YOUR LOCAL CHILDREN. Do you not think the parents of hungry children are stressed out? It leads to physical abuse, mental abuse and so much more. If my mom’s parents hadn’t owned a farm, I truly don’t know how I would have eaten as a child. The majority of our food came from that farm and we worked for it. Snapped beans, shucked corn, dug potatoes. I swear that root cellar with the potatoes used to make me puke it stunk so bad. However, I am grateful it existed because it fed me.

I keep money in my car so when I see someone on the street with a sign asking for money, I have money to give. I used to be so judgmental and think “Oh you just want it for drugs.” As a recovering addict, I fight with my inner self on this. What did I decide? I decided, who the hell am I? Who am I to judge someone else? I am no one. Maybe that $5 I hand over is going to go for drugs, but maybe, just maybe they’re hungry and that $5 just bought them some warm food. Give it FREELY with NO EXPECTATIONS.

America expects. I call bullshit. Learn to love openly and unconditionally. If you are donating, it’s called a donation for reason. You gave it willingly. Your end of the deal is now complete. Walk away proud of yourself and pray that the receiver will do the right thing. You don’t get to decide what their karma should be. Mind your own karma.

I have debated many times if I want to continue to write this blog. I haven’t written anything in about 6 weeks. Sorting through how I feel about my childhood and my early adult life has been difficult for me. I have biological family members who have accused me of being selfish, pointing the finger at everyone but me, being egotistical and the list goes on. I let it deter me for a while because I felt I needed to examine my motive for writing this blog. Was it really to just point fingers at someone else and say “Look at what you did!” Or, did I start writing this blog because I was tired of putting my dirty laundry under the carpet which had become so lumpy, I couldn’t walk on the carpet anymore?

It’s none of those things. I started writing it because I give a shit about other people. I want other women and men to know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. That’s my message, that’s my reason. If my reasoning pisses you off and you want to yell at me, have at it. Perhaps you need to examine your own damn life and figure out why you’re getting so pissed off about what I wrote. Perhaps you have your own behavior to look at.

And so, here I am writing again. And it feels damn good.