Be the Duck

Some days are better than others. When I’m having a bad day, I remember something I was taught by a previous co-worker of mine named Jim. He was in human resources at the time and I was taking some classes from him on how to handle stress in the workplace.

Be the Duck.

Simple phrase, huge impact. When you look at a duck floating along the water, all you see from the outside is how graceful and beautiful they look as they leave simple ripples in the water behind them. However, if you were able to view under the water and see their tiny feet, you’d see feet moving quickly to get the duck to its end destination.

Graceful on the outside, frantic and crazy on the inside.

Not everyone needs to see every emotion you are feeling in the moment. Sometimes things we are feeling are private and should stay that way. With social media being so “out there” these days, it’s easy to post something about how pissed off we are at your co-worker (I just did this), your sibling, your friend, you get the idea. However, once it’s there… it’s been seen. People don’t often forget the words we hurl into the three dimensional space where they live. If your Facebook page isn’t private, it’s a public post for anyone to see. If the person you’re talking about is your Facebook friend, then they’ve seen it and while you didn’t care in the moment, 2 minutes or 2 days later you may regret it. If you’re applying for a job and you’ve posted a photo of yourself in a not-so-nice manner, it may be visible to the prospective employer. Be conscious of how you present yourself.

The flip side of this coin is that for hundreds of years there have been families who live by the creed “We don’t talk about that this in family.” Pain and anguish get swept under a rug because no one wants to deal with the reality of what’s happened. There are productive and non-productive ways of dealing with such trauma. For we as survivors to be heard and understood, it’s better if we come at these situations in a more productive manner. And by productive, I just mean we don’t need to get drunk or high and start throwing a bunch of angry, accusatory statements around because we’re finally brave enough to do so. That’s more on the non-productive side and boy howdy it might feel damn good at the time, 24 hours later, not-so-much. Not that I have any experience with this or anything, I’m just sayin’. When that happens regularly, our audience starts looking at us like the little boy who cried wolf. Eventually, no one pays attention.

I’ve waited a very long time to start telling my story because my family is absolutely the “we don’t talk about that” kind of family. I’ve been so worried about who would stop talking to me or who I would hurt. I’m sure at some point some of them will likely read this blog. Guess what? They all fight anyway over just about anything. In my 48 years not once have I seen my family all get along. Someone is always mad at someone else. When does it ever stop? Maybe if they pay attention to what I’m writing, they’ll stop bitching at each other. For now, it’s time for me to heal me and help myself.

I am not the only female in my family to be molested by a male family member. Someone before me was far more brave than I and got her information out there. She is my role model and “biologically” my aunt. I use the quotes because she and her best friend are more like mothers to me and deserve the title. I love them more than words could ever express. I admire my aunt’s bravery for being the first person in our family to put it out there. Incest exists. The lasting pain from such an experience will kill you if you do not find a way to deal with the pain. Committing suicide was an option more than once for me. By the grace of God there go I.

Now is the time. My soul’s purpose for being on this planet in this lifetime to provide support and help for others who have walked down the same road I walked. I thought I was alone. I was not. I thought no one else had ever been through this. They had. I didn’t know. Why didn’t I know? No one talked about it.

If you have been molested as a child please hear me loud and clear when I say this:
1. It was NOT your fault.
2. You did nothing wrong.
3. You are lovable. I love you. No, I may not have a clue as to who you are, but I love you and your soul.
4. You are worthy.

Peace is yours, it’s time to reach out and grab it and hold onto it like I hold onto a piece of cake. I am using a productive way to talk about it. Writing it. I am discovering more about myself the more I write. Please follow my blog and keep in touch with me on my progress to finding more about me and perhaps you’ll learn something about yourself as well.

(I am searching for a catchy phrase as a parting before my name…I will find one eventually, but until then…)

Shelley