It occurred to me this morning I have spent an inordinate amount of my life pretending to be someone I’m not.
Ostensibly I was a normal child. (I used that word for my son!) The definition of normal is “conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.” Society has a whole set of standards you must match and if you don’t, you are labeled and outcast. Humans have devised religions, medical communities, groups and many other things which are based on conformance to the rules. If you don’t fit in their nice and tidy idea of what is correct, then surely you are evil. Seriously?? Is this really what you want for yourself? To be just like everyone else and conform to someone else’s rules even if goes against everything you believe in? Unfortunately, I did for many years. Now? Um, well, not-so-much.
I was too afraid to be different. Fear was a blanket I kept for comfort much of my life. I didn’t fit in with any of my biological family. And I mean this literally as in I do not look similar to most of my biological family. Total oddball. In the spirit of being authentic, I only deeply connected with one person I was biologically related to as a child and when he died, I was lost.
As a teenager, I went to live with my dad hoping for a new start. It wasn’t what I thought it would be and I accept my part in being a pain in the ass teenager. High school sucked. I was the awkward girl who didn’t belong anywhere like the random puzzle piece which didn’t fit or the square peg in a round hole. I said and did totally inappropriate things which extricated me exactly from the people where I wanted to be planted. I did find one best friend for my last two years who made life more bearable. I love her to this day even though we are totally different people now.
I am grateful for all of it. No I am not being facetious, I am being dead ass serious. Every experience, painful and joyous, taught me how to be strong and independent. It taught me how far I could be bent without being broken. I also learned if I did in fact break, I could piece my shit back together; bigger, better, stronger. The emotional version of the bionic woman and I rock this shit. I learned I could walk through the fires of hell and come back out of it alive as a warrior. I am scarred and I have scarred others. I am not proud of all of my actions, but I am proud of being able to forgive others and most importantly, myself.
When I was younger I wasn’t ready to face who or what I truly was. I needed to go through each of those experiences so I could sit here at this desk and write this blog. If any one thing had been different, who knows how I would have turned out?
Now? Here I am being authentic. Fear is no longer my blanket. I am taking my mask off and I am no long afraid of what I will see without it. I am a practicing Shamanic Witch, medium, energy healer and lover of the earth. 30 years ago, hell even 5 years ago, I was too afraid of these things. I was not ready to face my spirituality or my truth.
Without my mask I have wrinkles and age spots and I am also beautiful. I am curvaceous and learning to be comfortable in my body. I am a beautiful soul having an earthly experience in a skin suit.
How about you? Are you ready to take off your mask?