Pointing the Finger

This entire blog is about my journey to healing my inner wounded child. I’ve had so many people ask me “How did you do it?” “How did you get off medication?” “How do you forgive?” Dude, there’s no easy answer. This is gut-wrenching shit. Painful, soul-bearing, admitting-you-actually-took-part-in-the-pain, howling while you cry shit. The most uncomplicated answer I can give you is simply this “Stop ignoring your pain. Feel it and move through it.” Only then can the healing begin.

Here’s where I think some people get confused. I’ve heard “I do feel it. I feel it every day.” That’s the issue. You’re stuck in the muck. Get out of it! Don’t allow it to control who you are. If you are feeling it every day, you aren’t dealing with it. You are wallowing in it. It’s very easy to slip into the victim mentality. We’ve been through hell. We are allowed to feel the pain, but we are not allowed to make that pain someone else’s problem. I did just that. I’ve hurt so many people.  I was stuck in the “It wasn’t my fault” mode. I did that point your finger thing. Have you heard this quote?

Remember, When You Point a Finger at Someone, There Are Three More Pointing Back at You – Unknown

Think about this… when you are telling someone “You did this to me.” Your first finger is pointed at them, but you ARE in fact pointing three fingers back at yourself. You are participating in the ongoing pain by carrying it. Every day when you wake up angry, you are choosing to pick up the pain, put it on your back and carry it as a reminder. Anger is like a thriving plant. It needs energy to grow and survive. When you pick it up, you are feeding it your energy. You are giving it a life force. What would happen if you woke up one and looked at the pain and said “I’m not picking you up today. You can stay right where you are.” The first day it may not diminish much because it’s been taken care of for so long it can go a few days without being fed. But … if you continue to tell it to stay where it is. You’ve dealt with it and you’re not going to carry it any longer. After a week of telling it to stay where it is, you notice the leaves are starting to turn brown. You get ready for your day and you realize you actually feel pretty good. You note this feels interesting, your shoulders are lighter and you have a little more pep in your step so you keep going. After another week of leaving it in the corner, more leaves are turning brown and you’re feeling better every day.

VISUALIZE THIS… follow me now… what if you sat down after a few weeks and sat in front of the brown, drying plant and said “I FORGIVE YOU.” GASP! Forgiveness. The ultimate plant killer. You forgive the pain and everything about it. Suddenly, your shoulders are no longer slouched. Your head has moved into the upright position and it’s like you are seeing for the first time. Why? Anger is no longer weighing you down. The life force you put into that anger is now being put back into taking care of yourself, learning to love yourself. You go on about your day and when you come home you notice something odd. The plant is no longer a plant, but ash. The ash is now going to be put back into the earth to transmute into beautiful plant food and feed the earth.

YOU did this. Your hard work has made this change. Is it easy? Fuck no. Is it worth it? A million times yes. Why? Because YOU are worth it. You deserve to stop carrying around the anger and the burden that you decided you needed to carry because it was either given to you or you just thought you should. Use the life force to feed yourself. Feed your inner happiness. Feed your passion for life.

I wish for you this or something better.

Peace and Blessed Be

Shelley

 

Lose the Expectations – Just go with it

When I had my distance attunement, I was very careful to plan it so I could be alone in my room where it was dark and I could relax. I was prepared for this powerful moment to swoop in and change everything. I was told it would take approximately 30 minutes and to just relax. I did exactly as I was told. The teacher let me know ahead of time I may feel nothing, I may feel tingles, I could see things, the possibilities were endless. I just *knew* I was going to feel something so powerful, I’d be able to leap up off the bed and start healing people energetically immediately.

Yeah, no. This is not what happened for me. I felt squat. I mean nada, zip, zilch, nothing. I was rather bummed out. I knew ahead of time it could happen that way, but I had set a different expectation for myself. I expected more and this is how spirit teaches us important lessons. We don’t have a right to expect anything, not even to be breathing in the next 5 minutes because we never know. Spirit knew what I expected and they also knew I was a work in progress. Have you ever seen that photo of the guardian angel whose head is on the desk because it’s worn out? I swear I think I’ve put my guardian angels through some shit and they just want to bang their heads against a wall. I am the person who must learn the hard way. Why? I don’t know, I wish I did. In hindsight I can always see they tried really hard to show me gentle signs, in the end, I wind up learning after I get hit upside the metaphorical head. Oy vey is right.

I walked away from the attunement pissed off. I thought, what a crock of crap. Nothing happened. I went outside, hopped on my lawnmower and started mowing the lawn. I was pretty cranky and started arguing with myself. I do this regularly. Sometimes I actually do it out loud and people look at me. I’ve always said “I talk to myself a lot. I’m the only who makes sense to me.” Little did I know at the time… it’s never been me. It’s always been a guardian angel the entire time. Sometimes different ones. But I have never been alone on this journey and neither are you.

If you’re actually reading this blog post, the one thing I cannot express enough to you is to lose the expectations. Everyone is different. My abilities have started developing relatively quickly for me but I’ve worked my ass off to get here. I have a long way to go, but it’s happening. I had to shed 47 years of previous religious beliefs, self-doubt and shame to get this far. When I started out on this journey, I didn’t believe I was worthy of a gift like this. (I know some people don’t like the word gift, but this is truly a gift to me.) Getting to the point where I believe I am worthy of this gift has been the toughest thing I’ve ever been through in my life.

In order to get this far, I had to wade through years of pain and let it all go. I still struggle with it some days. When you grow up hearing you’re too fat, too stupid and not good enough you actually believe it. When you’ve been molested as a child and told no one loves you and that’s why you’re an easy target, you believe it. It puts your inner vibration at such a low point, you emit this low vibration which in turn attracts other low vibration to you. You get stuck in a circle of the same things happening repeatedly because you just can’t see through the low vibration until something comes and shows you a new way. HOWEVER, you have to be open to it allowing the new way in.

It takes an inordinate amount of inner drive to come to the rationalization “I am worth it.” My light had shown so brightly when I was child that everyone wanted to put it out. It was intimidating to see someone who a child who was so smart and so capable they actually felt threatened. They wanted my light for themselves. Why? Something in their past took their light too. We repeat what we know. Being mad at them isn’t the answer. Forgiving them and moving on is. Their behavior dimmed who I was meant to be. I allowed the dogma of religion and wanting to fit in to dim it even further.

Still, through it all Spirit believed in me even when I couldn’t believe in myself. Spirit carried me on the beach in the moments I couldn’t carry myself. All those years I thought I was alone, that those were my footprints in the sand, but they were not. I was saved twice from suicide. I was ready to go, but Spirit knew it wasn’t time and stepped in. I have wandered through life bogged down by pain and other’s expectations and my light was dimmed.

NO MORE! I have claimed back my light. It shines bright in the hopes that I may be able to help someone else find their light. I will never give up again. I am worth it. YOU are worth it. If you are unable to help yourself, then I am here fighting for you and me both. Spirit is there for you even when you don’t realize it. I mean let’s face it, it’s not easy saying to people “I’m a medium who can speak to souls which have crossed over.” Even today there’s a stigma attached to it, especially to the word witch. I am not ashamed and I will not hide.

I am proud. I am light. I am love. I am worth it.

Peace and Blessed Be
Shelley