The more I learned during my online reiki course, the more life started to make sense to me. There are no accidents in life, only synchronicities. I know this is a painful thing to think about especially if we’ve experienced something gutwrenchingly awful to our heart, mind and body.
I am of the opinion where time is not linear. Science has many debates going on about this, but here’s a quote I found which I truly love. Julian Balfour was quoted in Popular Science on September 18, 2012 stating the following: “The only evidence you have of last week is your memory. But memory comes from a stable structure of neurons in your brain now. The only evidence we have of the Earth’s past is rocks and fossils. But these are just stable structures in the form of an arrangement of minerals we examine in the present. The point is, all we have are these records and you only have them in this Now.” Keeping this in mind, your past, present and future are all happening right now. We can debate this until the cows come home, but this is what I believe.
During my online reiki lessons, I was taught how to do distance work using symbols and meditation practices. The teacher taught us not only could we send energy to someone else without touching them or being near them, we could also go back into our past and send love and healing to our past selves. BOOM! Mind completely blown. Anyone who takes a reiki course knows we are ALL taught this (again, this is why I don’t understand why online learning for reiki isn’t well revered. Kind of snobbish if you ask me, which you didn’t. However it’s my blog and I’ll bitch if I want to.) I had already believed in time not being linear, but I was astounded at this revelation.
With my being the ever skeptic person, I figured I’d just give it a go and test it out. One night while I was lying in bed I couldn’t sleep. It was the perfect time to try this distance stuff out and at the least, maybe the meditation would put me to sleep. I went into meditation while lying horizontally on my bed. I sent myself to a place where I was happy. I visualized sending myself back into my past taking hops based on the happiest moments so I was in good place emotionally. I went backwards to the adoption of the youngest child, my marriage to this husband, the birth of my youngest biological child, birth of middle child and birth of oldest child. When I got to this point I realized just how damn young I was having a baby. I sent love to myself at all of these ages and finally I sent myself to the earliest memory I have of being molested.
It was very hard for me to stay in this meditation seeing how sad and broken I was as an 8 year old little girl. There was no happiness in my eyes and I could feel the loneliness all over again. As I stood next to her I asked her to look at me and she was very hesitant. I was taught to be seen and not heard. I spoke very softly and carefully to her letting her know I was the grown-up version of her. She didn’t want to believe me, but I assured her it was true. I had a very long talk with her and let her know that no matter what happens to her, she was loved and as an adult she’d be happy. I promised her we had a life now, we were married with beautiful children. I asked her if I was allowed to hug her and she agreed. I felt her body relax and then I felt relaxed. I thanked her for allowing me to hug her which is significant because abuse victims don’t always like being touched.
While hugging her, I sent her love and healing energy using my symbols. When I was done talking to her, I brought myself out of the meditation and proceeded to ugly cry. You know the ugly cry, chest heaving, can’t talk, eyes swollen kind of cry. I had to get out of bed and go to the bathroom so I didn’t wake up my husband. When the snuffling finally stopped and I could calm down I realized I was different. I felt different as if someone gave a damn. It was in this moment I realized I had truly learned to love myself, literally. I loved the little girl who had been emotionally and physically abused. I loved the good and the bad about myself. This was probably one of the most profound moments of my life. I felt the love I had given myself at that age come forward into now.
All I have are Nows. All any of us have are the Nows. Tomorrow is not promised and you don’t want to live with regret. Love yourself T O D A Y. Don’t wait for someone else to love you first because it’ll never happen. You have to love yourself in order to allow others to love you wholly.
I am grateful to the Divine Feminine for allowing me to find this path. The amount of emotional healing I’ve done since moment is huge. I am not the same person and I am proud of myself.
Blessed Be and Peace be with you